Posted in Family, relationships

Security breach

I’m a very emotionally based person and I feel things very deeply especially in the moment. I need time to process.

It just came to my attention via a phone call to J from his sister B that she has found and been reading my blog, and is upset by my post about she and her mother.

My blog is my private journal, my place to get out my thoughts without hurting any one. I choose for it to be annoymous so that I can be brutally honest and not filter myself as I would knowing someone was reading it who knows me. I have nothing to hide, don’t get me wrong,  but I don’t want to hurt anyone.

That she found my blog means she looked for it, and that she has been reading it without my knowledge feels like an invasion of my privacy and my trust; as if she went thru my things, found and read my diary. So I will no longer be using this blog.

My beloved followers who have been on this journey with me from the beginning thank you for your awesome emails!


Posted in Dating, Family, parenting, relationships, Uncategorized


      People say blending families is hard and man, they were not joking! If only it was as easy as the Brady bunch with all the children well behaved and seemlessly getting along. 

       N is almost 11, an only child whose mother was never present and left two years ago. He was raised by a single father, J. B aka Love bug is 5, an only child raised by her single mom (me) for 4 years. 

       When we first got serious the kids were happy and we thought “hey! This is gonna be easy!” Then we moved in together and all hell broke loose. 

      They were each fairly well behaved for us respectively, however if J attempted to parent B in any easy at all, even a simple “please don’t do that” it was world war 3. Likewise N was rude and disrespectful to me the minute J left each day. 

      We recognize they have had a lot of change in a short period of time. B and I moved into their 2 bedroom apartment with them, N left to Phoenix and was then kept by his mom starting a custody battle, we got rid of a dog that became aggressive and got a puppy, we moved into a house, we got N back, both kids started school, all in a 5 month time span. Any adult would even have a hard time adjusting to that!

         N came back in August, and they started school a few days later. They have both been in therapy a month now. J and I had to really change how we parent to adapt to our new family dynamic. We had to understand a step parents role is different than that of a biological parent, we had to give them some space to express their feelings, to work thru their losses and gains. 

         We are focusing on what we have, on saying everything in a positive light such as instead of “don’t swing your fork” saying “please set you fork on your plate.” We have been discussing the children and consequences privately and presenting a united front.

     Are we perfect? Hell no! We have days we loose our ish and yell at the kids or at each other, days where we collapse after they go to bed and talk about selling them, days where a glass of wine is needed even though it’s only 10a (hey it’s 5′ o clock somewhere!) 

        As the days and weeks go by we are figuring it out and settling in, we have more happy cooperative days than not. Time is magically when blending a family. Remember your child has had you from their first breath and learned your expectations with you, these new flaky members are not going to be family in a day, a week a month, hell maybe not even in a year but it will get easier!

Posted in Dating, Family, relationships

True love =hard work

    When you meet the love of your life your heart skips when they look at you, your hands get sweaty, you get butterflies when they kiss you. Every day is like a dream, you are 100% in sync, you never argue, you are always happy and you can’t get enough of each other. This is the test of your life……. 

         NOT!!!! That is a lie. That is complete and utter bull crap we are led to believe from Disney, then love story movies and Harlem romance novels. When true love comes along most of us don’t recognize it, and even if we do we don’t accept it. We are set up for failure from a young age which is no wonder why divorce rates are higher than ever and no one is expected to last. 

      Those butterflies, and heart beat skips are lust and they fade in and out over the course of a relationship. Every romance is amazing in the beginning but the true test is after the honeymoon awe has worn off, when life hits full force with bills, kids, stress and challenges. 

        True love is hard work! It means staying when you when you want to walk away, talking when you want to scream, hugging when you want to fight. True love requires  patience, understanding and communication. It means lowering your walls and allowing yourself to be seen in all your vulnerable beauty. 

      True love ebbs and flows; some days you are on cloud 9, so in love you want to run off to Vegas, you agree on everything. Or maybe you can’t keep your hands off each other, you spend hours in bed or all night caught up in passion not caring that you will pay for the lack of sleep the next day. Other days it will seem you are not speaking the same languages, you will not agree on a single thing and your partner will seem like a complete stranger to you. 

     At the end of the day when you are still there, because it’s worth fighting for, because the good days out number the bad, because you remember why you fell in love….. when you collapse onto the couch and laugh about selling your kids and starting over or running away to a desert island, when yousnuggle into each other and fall asleep or fall asleep on your perspective edges of the bed refusing to touch but wake up entwined together….that is true love. 

Posted in Dating, life, relationships, Uncategorized

I said Yes

     Sometimes you say you will never do something again, like get married. Then right in the middle of your ordinary life a fairytale starts to unfold; you just have to be willing to open your eyes and see that it may not be the fairytale you thought it would be, or the kind you read about as a little girl. 

     Instead, a real life fairytale. One with trials and tribulations, when with challenges that make you stronger her and hard times that bring you closer together. 

        It was the Monday after Mother’s Day, after a great Mother’s Day. I had a volleyball game so I dropped love bug off to spend the night with grandma. I was covered in sand and sweat, dressed in my team shirt, and volleyball shorts, my messy hair pulled up in a blue bandanna. I ate Taco Bell as I drove home, music blaring. I called J on my way and he cut me short saying he was working on my website and wanted to get it finished before I got home. 

       I parked and was annoyed the door was locked as I fumbled for my keys, balancing my wallet, phone, gallon of water and mango tea. I opened the door to find the living room lit in candles, music playing and a sweet fragrance filling the air. 

        J took my stuff from me and hugged me. I told him “hold that thought, I’m going to shower real quick”.  thinking he was setting the stage for romantic hanky panky. He led me over to the table 

With Tim McGraw’s My best friend playing in the background he got down on ine knee and aske sme to be his wife. My heart skipped a beat 

I’m terrified of getting married again, not the actual marriage part but of it failing and yet I’m oddly calm and confident it’s forever and it’s right. He makes me so crazy and so happy at the same time that I don’t want to be sane ever again. 

Posted in life, parenting, relationships

Custody hearing 

     Sometimes you don’t realize you were holding your breath until you inhale deeply. That is how it felt this week. 

        V came to visit only twice since our last court date. Both times she had a friend meet up with her and left N to hang with her friends child while she visited with her friend not really paying any attention to N. 

        Over the Course of the last two months, since our last court date, N has revealed a lot of lies that were told to him by his mother. He has said that he hates her because of what she did over the summer, and because she never pays attention to him. We have enrolled him in therapy with a great therapist who is working through everything with him and we have started to see an improvement in his behavior.

       The judge appointed a CAA, court appointed advisor, who interviewed us, N and V. She also pulled driving Records, N’s school records, and background checks on both J and myself. The judge ordered both J and N to fill out complete financial affidavits with copies of paystub’s for the previous month, W-2s and tax returns for the previous three years. He also ordered pretrial statements to be filled out by both parties with copies of their proposed parenting plan, any evidence to be entered for court and a list of any witnesses to be called. These were due 5 business days prior to trial and had to be given to the other party as well as the judge and the court clerk. 

        I meticulously went over every paper multiple times before shipping it to the required parties. N’s behavior was awful that week, escalating each day as trial approached. He asked us to try really hard to keep him and told V several times he did not want to live with her. 

      The morning of court both kids cried at the thought of N having to leave. We dropped them at school and made the two hour drive. Court was very short, ten minutes in total. V emailed her paperwork the night before court and filed it with the clerk the day before court. The judge made it clear he was done and this was nonsense. There would be no further hearing, this was for permanent custody. He didn’t ask for any evidence, or witnesses. He went over what J asked for and granted it! J got sole physical custody, V is allowed to come to Tucson’s I visit on the weekends and can take N on prolonged school breaks if we do not have any trips/vacations planned. 

      As we left the courthouse it was like a weight had been lifted. N was estatic when we told him as was Lovebug. Our home instantly became much more relaxed and happy which is when I realized we had been holding our breaths for weeks. 

       He is ours. He is not leaving. She can not take him. 

Posted in Dating, life, Poetry, relationships

The volcano

    It’s dark and eriely quiet, the moon high in the sky shining brightly upon a volcano. 

     She stands tall and proud, outsiders see her as strong, captivating, intimidating even. 

      They don’t see beneath the surface. They don’t see the scars from where others have taken pieces of her, poked and prodded her. They don’t see the the hot fury beneath the surface, held in from fear. 

      Fear not because she is afraid to let go, afraid of what she may do, but because she knows exactly what she is capable of. Fear because once she lets go there is no holding back, no holding it in ever again. 

     Once she lets go she will be free but that freedom comes at a price. That freedom; openly speaking her mind, taking her place proudly, majestic and tall means she opens herself to hurt. Should she let someone get close enough to truely hurt her again may heaven have mercy on them for she fears their hurt more than her own. 

Posted in Family, relationships

When family fails you 

      Your parents are supposed to be the ones you can count on no matter what, but what if they fail you?

      My parents have always been there & had my back 100% even if they didn’t like my choices. The more I get to know J’s family the more I am perplexed by the dynamic and confused. 

        J has never been close to his mom S and sister R and now I see why. R is totally spoiled. Her mom bought her dog, gave her a car, paid for her car to get fixed recently, her parents paid all her bills while she went to school and yet she constantly complains she is a single mom and gets no help and life is so hard. 

        She can do no wrong in her moms eyes. She is on a pedestal and J  is expected to hold it up. They both think they are better than everyone and are very rude and sometimes downright mean; it’s why J’s dad said he left and why J keeps them at a distance. 

      I have treated them both with respect, like my family. I tried really hard to be there for R and be her friend despite her draining emotional instability and need to butt into my relation with J. I even overlooked her flat out being mean a few times. 

      S was really rude to me over the weekend when she came to town for my daughters birthday.  She asked how she could help then argued for 20 minutes about putting the candy out on a desert table as I had planned instead of in bags for them to take home, she then refused to help. 

     Saturday morning I was sore and felt like crap because I overdid it, having done almost everything myself Friday night because J was working on her present. She apparently was mad because I didn’t tell her not to do the dishes because she was a guest and I didn’t tell her thank you for breakfast; she said N cooked so I thanked him. I started to decorate the cupcakes and she yelled at me to stop being stubborn, if I’m sick I’m going to contaminate the food and get everyone else sick and I need to delegate. I told her I wasn’t sick I was just sore and she yelled about how she got crushed by a car and is allergic to pain meds so she is in more pain than I could ever know and I don’t know what pain is.

     J told her she was out of line and if she couldn’t be respectful she could leave. She told him she was going to apologize but instead lectured me for 20 minutes about how I’m selfish, don’t know how to parent, am ruining my daughter who is a brat and she won’t let me come between her and  J because they are such a close family

R was mad she stayed with us Friday, and that she came down for My daughter party and therefore told R she wasn’t coming two weekends in a row so she should have her child’s party the same weekend. R said it was our fault because she had to move her child’s birthday and no one came. She left her cigarettes outside and it rained so that was J’s fault for not bringing them to her. 

           Yesterday at work R tried to tell me how I needed to parent and what my children need. Today at work R was being a rude, demanding I give her the passwords to everything and have her approve everything before I posted it. Our boss said the tension was too much and left for a bit. R flipped out on me; said that I think I’m perfect and I caused her to loose her best friend and brother, that twice our boss had wanted to fire me and I gave her an excuse and she let me stay. That all I do is f*** around in social media and get paid when she told me to do this and this. I pointed out our boss told me to do what I have been working on and that she, R, is not my boss. She yelled some more about I’m a b**** and selfish and gathered all her stuff and left. 

         I called our boss who came back. R came back and started crying about its so hard, and poor her being a single mom and she is so depressed because she has no one. S called me at work to yell at me about what a great job I’ve done ruining R’s  job and relationship with J. 

      We had a meeting in which nothing was solved but our boss said to leave the personal stuff at the door. My hours were then changed to only 25 hours per week. 

       I’m feeling exhausted, hurt for J that they are his family, and very angryily biting my tongue out if respect for J.