Posted in Dating, parenting, relationships

From friends to lovers and back again 

   I met T when I was 15, thru his roommate & my best friend who were dating at the time. Over the following months we became inseparable. I was devastated when my parents announced just shy of a year later that we were moving across the us. 

       T and I wrote letters regularly (yes an actual hand written letter, shocking I know!) and called whenever we could. (Long distance calls were not free) After two months of asking my parents, they gave me the green light to move out. T showed up two weeks later with a giant stuffed tweety bird riding shotgun in his nova towing a tiny trailer which we loaded with all my belongings and off we went back across the us. 

    We shared an apartment with two of his friends until we could afford to get our own place. I worked full time, while finishing high school online. T taught me to drive & took me for my liscense, neither of us could cook so we lived on TV dinners, frozen meals and ramen noodles. 

      After almost three years together I was sitting on the bathroom counter and he asked me to marry him then took me to pick out a ring. We eloped in a church with him in a tux and a cathedral train on my formal gown. He was my best friend, my rock. The first one I wanted to share news with be it good or bad, the one I couldn’t wait to come home to and wake up next to everyday. We bought several houses together, investing blood sweat and tears, to sell it a year later for a big profit that we invested into the next home, each one bigger than the last. A move across the country and back, the loss of two pregnancies, acquiring two cats and two dogs along our 13 year journey. 

      We landed in a house that I worked very hard, not to flip, but to make our home. I spent hours contemplating and picking out the perfect colors of paint, and making it just right. I painted a beautiful ocean themed room with sparkling sand, and crisp blue water that was to be our child’s room. The subject of which drew a wedge between us, a distance we both felt but were helpless to stop until one night what bagan with me in puddle of tears begging him to help me understand turned into harsh words we couldn’t take back, as hearts were shattered along with our marriage. 

      We didn’t speak for two years other than to sort out lingering bills, message happy birthday, wish the other merry Christmas. We saw each other a few times, the hardest when I was 4 months or so pregnant and the silence hung painfully between us. After my daughter was born we slowly, rockily found our way to friendship. 

      When love bug’s dad and I split up we became roommates. T picked up the pieces her dad dropped, filling the promises he broke and became the daddy I always knew he would be. It was bittersweet watching this man I had loved so deeply and wanted so desperately to have a child with fill the role all this time and heartbreak later. 

       He is the best friend I could ever ask, and an even better father. He unfailingly is there for me and for lovebug so maybe things really do happen for a reason.  


Posted in Dating, friends, parenting, relationships

A pampered life

      I met R online as seems to be how I meet everyone lately. He owns a promotions company that supplies prizes and giveaways to radio stations, employee rewards for different companies and is part owner of a handful of business’. 

        We quickly reaslized the benefits of working together; I’m apparently great at marketing, closing deals and have great ideas while he treats me whatever I want; sushi, VIP passes to concerts, and fun trips like Vegas. 

      His marriage has been rocky for a while now, and the discovery of his wife having an affair recently was the final straw. Some of my friends think that I should go for it with him as there are worse things than being a spoiled and pampered wife; Driving a nice car that is paid for, going to the gym, eating at nice restaurants, cruises and amazing vacations, and not having to work. Having married for love before and having it failed the idea crossed my mind because it would be an amazing life for lovebug….. 


      There is no romantic or sexual chemistry or connection with him. Maybe because I’m a hopeless romantic, or maybe because I have hope I still believe in love. I’d also be setting an example for lovebug to marry for the wrong reasons, to settle, and to give up. Honestly I’m not ready to give up yet. 

Posted in Family, parenting

4 yr old demonic teenager 

     Does anyone else a 4yr old? Is it just me or are they pint sized demons testing us to see how far we can bend before breaking?

    The things that come out of my daughters mouth sometimes leave me staring wide eyed, speechless wondering where my sweet little girl who was full of kisses, snuggles & I love you’s just a year ago went.  

       Taking her out of the house is a risk as at any moment she may start spewing green pea soup or laughing maniacally at the mean thing she just said while her head spins in circles and I contemplate how much I can sell her for.      



Posted in parenting, Pets

Plus one =3

So it’s finally happened and I have officially lost my mind! We have added another fur baby to the house.

My roommate has Trixie, a large 17 yr old dog who is half blind, half deaf, loosing bowel control and a 16 year old cat. I have Letti, a small puppy who just turned 1. My dad found a 9 week old Australian cattle dog in BFE and I was going to foster him while looking for a home. My roommate decided he wanted to keep him.

Here’s what our days now look like;

The dogs all go out to pee, 5 minutes later there’s a pee spot, while I clean it up one of them poops in the other room and while I clean that up livebug screams cause Riley, new puppy, stole her Barbie doll.

We lock up the puppies and go to the store. We come back and Trixie has gotten into the trash. There is a stream of garbage spread one way across the dining room and the other way across the kitchen; a mix of paper, corn, Powerade, chocolate milk, and trash.  I tell lovebug not to let the puppies out but she doesn’t listen and before I can stop them they are running thru the trash. I’m trying to clean it up with lovebug announces Riley is peeing in the house, I go to clean that up and come around the corner just in time to see Letti slip on the wet floor through a fresh pile of poop. As I’m shoving dogs outside lovebug started yelling from the hallway that she had an accident…. and she wants a baby alive.


Posted in life, parenting

Goodbye to our breastfeeding journey

    From the moment I became pregnant there was never a question of bottle or breast. The thought of formula never once even crossed my mind. 

     Lovebug had reflux, as well as an intolerance to the protien in dairy and soy which is passed thru breastmilk so at 7 weeks I cut out all dairy and soy. The thought of giving up was still never a thought I had. There were days, even weeks when I felt like she was on the boob all day and some of them she really was! I learned to ignore other peoples’ discomfort when I happily nursed, without a cover, in reastruants, parks, and even once while sitting on an endcap in target. After all I was comfortable and so was my daughter. 

      My goal was two and yet her birthday came and went with no end in sight. Lots of people asked “really, you are still nursing her?”, “isn’t she off the boob yet?” And an array of other questions which faded when they realized I really did not care what anyone thought and was going to follow my gut to allow her to self wean. 

Over time she became too busy to nurse during the day other than to go to sleep. I grew too tired to nurse in the night and slowly night weaned her around 2 1/2. Her night time nursing became just a few minutes. Nap time nursing went away as she began to fight sleep until she won, gaining a second wind or fell asleep where she was. I savoured our morning nursing sessions, breathing in her sent, gazing into her eyes, feeling her hot weight against me as she rolled the skin of my breast between her fingers, feeling her heart beat in sync with mine. 

Her third birthday came and went. An age when I thought I would no longer be comfortable nursing her. Yet it felt no different nursing her after her birthday than it did before so we continued. 

It felt like I had been nursing her forever and it would never end yet it felt like I blinked and my tiny baby became a toddler winking at me before drifting off to sleep while nursing. She was Only nursing about two minutes before bed. She began to tell me there was Only a sip of milk, sometimes no milk. Her latch changed, I lost what was left of my milk. For a month she dry nursed to sleep, while I clinched my teeth, skin crawling. I did it because it was two minutes of wanting to jump out of my skin vs two hours of screaming, because I knew the end was near, because I knew she was not ready yet even if I was. She would fall asleep on the couch, or latch then instantly say she was done and go to sleep on her own. 

And then it happened. We went to bed and she latched, let go and told me she didn’t need boobie anymore. That was 8 days ago. 

3 years, 4 months, and 12 days. 

It’s not bittersweet, I’m not sad. I’m satisfied. I’m proud that I surpassed my original goal, that I let her choose and wean when she was ready. I feel thankful for the experience and everything it brought with it, for all I learned, for the moments I would otherwise not have had and for the amazing bond it nurtured between us. 

Posted in Family, life, parenting

A taste of toddlerhood

T announced yesterday that he’s exhausted because all evening Lovebug just wants him and with her newfound threenager stage it’s overwhelming.

Today, after 2 trips to the store already, I ran out of eggs while baking hawiian  banana bread (4 loafs!)  As I was surrounded by flour, oil, mashed bananas and had two loafs already in the oven he volunteered to run and get eggs and sunblock and of course Lovebug had to go too.

After approximately an hour (the store is 3 minutes away) he came in the house with a look on his face. Lovebug showed me her new ball and said she was a brat at the store. T expanded and it went something like this;

She wanted to drive her hello kitty car to the store and it took ten minutes to convince her to get in the Tahoe because it was too far for her to drive in her car. Then she wanted to stand up and look at the window so it was another five minutes before we actually left. She saw princess bandaids right as we walked in and wanted them cause she is out so I said okay. Then of course she had to pee and there was some guy taking a dump in the only stall in the men’s room and she didn’t understand I can’t go in the women’s bathroom. Someone offered to Stand at the door to the woman’s finally and I took her pee. Then coming out of the bathroom she saw the big stand of balls and wanted one cause she doesn’t have a Minnie Mouse one. I told her she ha to pick the ball or bandaids so she got the ball. I grabbed eggs and sunblock and we went to check out. She wanted candy and I told her no because she had a ball and Gatorade. She basically melted after that. And to top it off we got in the car and she started crying that the scrape on her knee hurt and she wanted a princess bandaid which we didn’t get. So yea.

At this point I’m trying not laugh and thinking welcome to parenthood when she comes in and throws her ball in the trash and says she doesn’t want it because it’s dirty. I almost peed my pants from laughing.

Posted in life, parenting

Sometimes being a parent sucks 

     In the calm quiet morning, Lovebug peacefully sleeping while I sip coffee and watch the birds at the feeder you would never guess that yesterday a storm raged on. You would never guess that yesterday was my most challenging day as a parent and that I broke down in front of my daughter and cried my heart out for several minutes while she patted my back. 

       Love bug has just turned three last week and already i know that terrible 2’s have got nothing on my threenager. ( my 3 yr old teenager)

       She wants wants to do what she wants, when she wants without interruption. She expects things to appear the minute she demands them. And hell hath no fury like Lovebug being told no! She screams and throws a mean tantrum. She hits me, she has started biting me. Her favorite phrase is “mean mommy” followed by “stupid woman”.  She will argue, try to negotiate, pretend not to hear me, and flat out tell me no or “don’t tell me that!”. Be it that I tell her to clean up or interupt her make believe play to ask what she would like for lunch. 

    Last Friday she started antibiotics for double ear infections, along with a nasty head cold. Wed she was playing outside and got a few mosquito bites which she had an allergic reaction to. (silver dollar sized & bigger, blistered in the center surrounded by an angry bright red welt) One of her ear drums ruptured yesterday. So add all that to her newfound attitude and it spells nightmare! She was a screaming mess from the moment she woke up and bedtime could not come fast enough. Everything was wrong even if it’s what she wanted. For example she wanted to hold the cat but then had cat hair in her shirt, she wanted a grilled cheese but not want me to cook, she wanted chocolate milk but did not want me to put the chocolate powder in it.

It was my hardest parenting day and most trying. Laying down to put her to bed I whispered to her ” it’s a miracle you made it thru the day” Half asleep she stroked my check and said “I love you mommy, you are my favorite”