Posted in life

She is strong

Just a poem I fell in love with


Posted in Family, life, Uncategorized

Is this Love

E was another fitness guy into working out, nicely built. We met online and chatted for a while though I didn’t think anything would come of it because he lives two hours away from me.

March 12, after 4 weeks or so of chatting My daughter was staying at grandmas so I accepted a last minute date from T; He stood me up. Right about then I was like eff it I am child free and feeling adventurous I’ll drive to Phoenix.

I texted E and it almost didn’t start. He was a bit put off that I had been stood up, thinking I had put him in line. I explained it was a last minute date, and I honestly was unsure cause he was in a different city. He said I surprised him by being honest and he would come down.

I killed time at Dunkin Donuts before meeting him at my old hole dive bar stomping ground. I was instantly attracted to him.  He was more a pretty New York Bronx boy, with a heavy chain around his neck, and diamond studs in both ears.  We had shots, played pool, laughed and talked and tried to dance but shots of patron …. Need I say more. Yes we stayed the night together and the next morning not only did I not regret it, I wanted more.

We talked and texted throughout the week. I made arrangements to have an entire weekend to myself. I drove up Friday arriving way early due to excitement and anticipation. After sitting in a parking lot for over two hours, unable to find an single hotel in his city we decided to drive back to mine,  get a room and get drunk. We stayed until Sunday afternoon, leaving only to go next door to circle k and to grab food once. That weekend is where dreams come from, what movies are inspired by. We spent very close to the entire weekend naked, watching movies, he played his guitar for me, we talked, snuggled,had mind blowing amazing sex, more than I thought was even possible in one weekend. We just couldn’t get enough of each other, couldn’t stop touching each other. We talked about what if I am the one he’s going to marry, would I like to go to New York to meet his mom down the road,  maybe he should move or I should move to be closer together.!Sunday left me with a feeling of longing even before he left, and the moment we went our separate ways his presence was missed. He has been the first thought in my mind each morning as I am greeted by his good morning texts, the last each night as I drift to sleep wishing I was in his arms.

Things continued much like this for the next six month, mostly staying at my house but occasionally staying at a hotel in his city.  Then things started to shift. I knew he had fallen for me and I was crazy about him yet his behavior, actions and words were not matching. He seemed to pull away a bit, didn’t want to do anything with my daughter. There was some lies that came to light, some weird behavior. I chalked it all up to he was scared. We went to six flags for my birthday and had an amazing weekend. I went out of state as did he to visit our families. Upon returning he showed up very late and left very early the next morning. I tried to talk to him but it didn’t work very well. I wrote him a letter addressing my concerns, what I wanted and needed. A few days later I was in a bad car accident and lucky to be alive. That weekend he bailed on coming to see me and it came out that he was put off by my letter, felt backed into a corner and he didn’t like it. After a few more brief conversions he ended things.

We talked briefly over the following 7 weeks, usually short and pleasant “How are you doing?”, “Hows work?” I missed him and had feelings for him but accepted things and moved on. I started dating again. Life was good.

Then out of the blue E texted me and the weirdest conversation of my life took place. Basically he wanted to know if I had slept with anyone, was I okay with him sleeping with someone else and so on….Eventually I realized he was fishing and he told me I was right and deep down he loved me, and he was scared. He said it would be great to see me again said he hated the drive down and was seeing someone. He asked me what I thought of it and offered to send me a picture. It turned into a great conversation such as I’d have with an old friend but left me with mixed emotions, angry that he threw this on me now, angry he wasted what could have been great. What could have been because I don’t know if I will ever forgive him for hurting me the way he did, and I don’t know if I could ever trust him to not run when things get hard. Also because I’ve realized he can’t give me what I want, or what I need. He’s the only person I’ve ever met who makes me feel like a stranger to myself.

Posted in Dating, life, relationships

Mike Rowe

M was a Mike Rowe duplicate, former dancer with the Wild boyz, owned his own house and car and business. He was sweet and charming. We had great conversation and a lot in common, he had a job, a house and seemed normal.

Until I sent him a banned sprite video and he lost his mind, dropping the N word. It came out that he was racist against every race including his own! I told him that’s like someone calling him a crackers to which he replied white trailer park trash is the worst!! He said what if my daughter grows up and brings a “N”  home or is a lesbian; how could I sit there and tell him I’d be okay with it.

I also learned he only eats once per day so as to maintain his high school weight and expects his partner to maintain her exact weight by any means necessary. He feels it is find to tell her not to eat certain things, to order food for her and make fun of her if she gains any weight at all.

Thankfully he was cool with it when I said peace out!


Posted in Dating, life, relationships


What a crazy few days!!! It’s been an eye opening roller coaster for sure.

At the urging of a friend I joined tinder. I started chatting with and after a few weeks met Irish. After two weeks of dating and things seeming too good to be true he said he had to go go to San Antonio for PTSD treatment. He is active duty military so it didn’t seem odd to me at he time. I then received a text from him friend of his telling me he was struggling with K, the love of his life who died when they were in a car accident. He was pinned and watched her bleed to death when she was thrown from the car.

So Irish continued to text me telling me about K, what he was working on in therapy, and how he was doing. I continued to cheer him on.

Something in me was quietly saying that something was not right.

Because I’m a woman and curious I looked up his ex wife on Facebook to see what she looked like. I was a bit shocked when it said she still lived in town and not Florida as he had said. I was even more shocked to find they had moved into that house together in 2012 and she had changed her cover photo to one of him this past November. I thought maybe I was mistaken on when they had gotten a divorce, maybe she still wanted to be with him. Yet there was this feeling in the pit of my stomach.

So  I created a fake Facebook profile based off one of his friends who had a public page and friend requested him. He accepted it instantly.

It was right there: married. He had also checked into multiple places the last few days in town. I was pissed, and in shock.

I felt sick as I drove to his house and waited for his wife to come home. I introduced myself to her and asked to speak to her about Irish, and told her we had been dating.  Over the course of our 3 hour conversation I learned he had  lied to me repeatedly. I confronted him via text, then in person side by side with his wife. She and I had lunch the next day and I learned even more of the lies he had told me.

Basically every word he had said to me starting after hello was a lie. He claimed he did have PTSD and was being treated in town, though his wife did not know about it, and that he was filing for a divorce. His wife had met him at 18 and never heard a word about K, or a car accident though oddly enough his cousins ex wife’s name is K and irish had been pinned in a car accident with his wife though she was not thrown from the car. We met privately that night as I demanded answers and he had none to give me. He said he wasn’t thinking, had not planned it out. He said I made him feel alive, and it was not meaningless.

Meanwhile he was telling his wife I was just a fling and he had no intention of staying in touch with me. He didn’t realize we were talking until she called him out on it.  After a good nights sleep, and talking it out several times with a trusted friend or three the fog lifted and the emotions died. I was interested In who I thought he was and that person doesn’t exist. I texted him that I’m done and want nothing to do with him. That I forgive him because I’m not willing to carry this with me or allow it to hurt me. I told him I hope he really does get help, grow a pair and learn to be honest and stop effing with people’s emotions and life’s.

Update; A week later we learned about a girlfriend he has been seeing for a few months, oddly named K! And a few weeks after that we discovered yet another girl named C. While his wife and I have  become Friends I have had no contact with him and am very glad that it’s not my drama.

Posted in Dating, life, relationships


So I took the plunge and posted a dating ad. It was comical and entertaining. It’s how I met J so when he bailed out I thought I’d try again. I reposted the same ad. I’ve learned a few things and thought I’d share them.

First someone is out to get me. A friend suggested it’s J. Maybe someone doesn’t like my ad, or women who know what they want but in any case my ad keeps getting flagged and removed.

Apparently people who smoke pot do not consider it a drug. My ad said no drugs yet I have gotten multiple responses from guys who smoke pot.

You have to be VERY specific. Around my age apparently means 15 years older. I am not attracted to Hispanic men means as long as you don’t look Hispanic it’s okay. Please include a picture means send me a picture of your abs or your package. Single means as long as she doesn’t know. Please have a job means be a drug dealer, on unemployment or social security. I’d like to be friend first means send me a paragraph about yourself and let’s hook up tonite, or better skip the paragraph and let’s just hook up!

I’ve had men respond who have: 12 kids, asked if I could pick them up if they asked me on a date because they don’t have a car and one who lost his liscence for too many dui’s, have had their child taken away by cps, believe a woman should be his to use as he sees fit in bed, wanted to know if he could watch me with other men and one who was not comfortable with me living with my ex so would I move in with him while we were dating.

I have heard stories but thought that stuff only happened on tv!!

Posted in life

WTF did I do?? 

   Some may ask why would I ever write about this but in all my searching I could not find anything but medical information and it’s something a ton of people have, they just don’t talk about it. 

      So when I had my daughter I got severe hemorrhoids. Like someone cut a golf ball into 4 pieces and glued them on me. I patiently waited for them to go away. I ate high fiber, lots of water… I did everything I was supposed to. The external ones went away but left a very large skin tag. 

  After 2 1/2 years I went to gastrointerologyst and had banding done which removed the internal ones. I still had a large skin tag which make wiping difficult, and it was embarrassing. So I was referred to a surgeon. 

     I was examined by a NP who confirmed it was a tag and explained it could be removed in the office. That I would be uncomfortable for a few days but it would be a quick and easy procedure. So we scheduled it. After some mix ups and rescheduling I had it done this morning. 

      Right now I’m rethinking if it was worth it. The dr was debating doing it in the office vs scheduling and doing it in the OR because it was so large. And afterward said had I not had a high pain threshold and been able to stay so still she would not have been able to complete it all in one appointment, and she would not be doing one this large in the office again. 

After some researching I learned having it done in the er means it can be cauterize and is a faster healing process with less bleeding. Being done in the office I was just sutured. 

Day 1; Friday

The nitty gritty: how it’s done.              The was a padded piece that pulled out of the table to kneel on and my upper body laid on the top of the table. The entire table them raised and tipped forward so I was basically in a doggy style position with me head lower than my butt. They used tape on each side of my butt to tape my cheeks to the sides of the table. The area is cleaned with iodine, then injections of lidocaine are given. I got like 7. They are painful to say the least. It feels like a wasp sting, an incrediabley intense, burning sensation. I focused on breathing thru clenched teeth while  groaning with each one. Then you are blissfully numb. She removed the skin tag and I got 5 sutures. She cleaned me up and gave me more wet pads to clean up my front as I was quite messy.she gave me a prescription for Percocet and scheduled a follow up in one month. 

Go straight to the pharmacy and fill it, wait while they do so and take it immediately!! I did not. I dropped it off, got some food and went home. The lidocaine started to wear off, I took Ibprofin as she said to alternate it with Tylenol and Percocet. I sat on an ice pack. Once it began to wear off it did so very quickly. I was in a lot of pain, to the point that I was in tears. It hurt to move, to sit, to stand, I could not relax enough to go pee. It was worse than after having a baby, having my gallbladder out, worse than anything I have ever experienced. 

     H was coming over to visit love bug so I convinced him to pick up my prescription and sat on the couch crying. I called the Dr  who sympathetically reminded me to ice continuously and layer pain Meds, to take a warm shower to try and relax my body so I could pee. She also said to get some stool softners. 

      So two hours later I’m sitting in the recliner using a perinatal ice pack (I saved a few when lovebug was born) and I’m comfortable. I’m still in pain but it’s manageable so long as I don’t move. 

       So the rest of the evening was manageable until bed time. I showered and the warm water let me finally go pee however it burned my sutures. If you are are a female know that the muscles relaxing after you pee jolts your rectum and it’s not exactly painful as it is intense and jolting! Laying down was excruciatingly painful. The pressure of being upright eases the pain so I would have loved to have slept in the recliner but my daughter is sick. I wedged an ice pack in there and laid down but after an hour had to get up as the pain was too much. I got in the shower so I could pee, then fought passing out for about 20 minutes before finally vomiting. 

      Exhausted I wedged a new ice pack and laid flat on my back wedging a firm pillow under my legs against my bottom to apply pressure. 

Days 2 & 3, 

    So I got about 4 hours of sleep, before waking up with my bottom and thighs numb from the position I was in. I got up to let the dogs out and laid back down. However the numbness was quickly gone and I was in too much pain to lay down. I took a percoset, a Tylenol and sat in the recliner on an ice pack. I threw up all my breakfast. And think it’s the ibprofin with not enough heavy food so going to stop taking it. I spent pretty much all  day sitting and discovered a few tricks; roll up some wash clothes, wet and freeze them. Pop them in a ziploc and they fit much better than ice packs. Also give up on pants. I covered the recliner in a towel and went bottomless; it’s much easier to get situated with the ice in the right place and more comfortable. Plan ahead for your children for a few days and have a backup! My mom is really sick and T was gone all day so I was completely on my own with a sick child who wanted to be held and didn’t understand why I couldn’t sit on the floor to play. I didn’t take any medication except Tylenol all day. I was able to pee on the toilet. 

That night I laid on my side with a ice pack and a pillow folded in half against my bottom. I slept great but woke up every 4 hours or so to Take more Percocet. 

Sunday, day 3 was not much different. I sat on ice most of the day and stuck to Tylenol. I had to force myself to eat and fight back nausea ESP in the morning when I first got up. I have not had a bowl movement and am terrified to as some gas caused bleeding and awful pain/spasms. I have not been able to do sitz baths as its too uncomfortable to sit in the tub and cold is more appealing  than warm. After a good day I was hopeful but woke up about every three hours with my butt on fire and In awful pain. 

Day 4 & 5,

   Monday was a little rough, I was pretty tired and feeling a lot of pressure as if I needed to go to the bathroom but was unable to relax and go and was scared to push at all. I ventured out to the store for tea bags and was exhausted and throbbing when I got home and needed Percocet. Wear a pad if you are wearing clothes or venturing out! Sutures leak as they heal and being active increases bleeding! That night was the worst yet. Every time I started to doze off I had muscle spasms; I can’t even begin to explain how much they hurt! I had the most intense burning thus far and woke up about every 2 hours in so much pain I was scared to move. 

Tuesday was an experience! I was feeling uncomfortable and needed to go to the bathroom so I drank some coffee. I had been skipping doing so and sticking to a liquid/soft food diet to delay going: don’t do this!!!! It just piles up and you have to go more. Also start stool softners a few days before your procedure! When I felt ready I covered my ass in coconut oil hoping to lubricate my sutures and help things not stick. I had a very hard time going and only produced two marbles which cause mass pain to the point that I passed out and busted a stitch. A shower and Percocet with additional Tylenol later I ran to the bank with my butt on fire. When I got home I had to go really bad. This time I sprayed some dermaplast on my bottom to numb it and used a hot washcloth pressed against my sutures. It wasn’t really painful as much as there was a lot of pressure. I felt great after and hopped in the shower. I did have several blood clots and a lot of blood, a lot. The dr said its all normal, wrote me a second prescription for Percocet as well as a muscle relaxer to help with the spasms. Both times I went to the restroom it was hard as the stool softners had not affected that part yet hence the suggestion to start it before your procedure. I did have to go a third time which was very soft yet a lot so I kept tensing up with fear of pain. I finally got in a caveman position and put my feet on the toilet seat and squatted. Ther was some intense burning after but no pain. 

That night I took a muscle relaxer and a Percocet which I only suggest if you want to go to sleep as I was out cold a very short time later. I woke up about every 4-41/2 hours to take another Percocet for the burning. I slept great and was comfortable!

Wednesday: day 6

I woke up feeling refreshed and great! I only had a small about of burning when I sit/stand. I took lovebug to a friend’s for a play date and had some mild throbbing which Ibprofin took care of. I easily had a bowl movement with no pain other than slight burning after. I’m feeling very optimistic!

Posted in life, parenting

Goodbye to our breastfeeding journey

    From the moment I became pregnant there was never a question of bottle or breast. The thought of formula never once even crossed my mind. 

     Lovebug had reflux, as well as an intolerance to the protien in dairy and soy which is passed thru breastmilk so at 7 weeks I cut out all dairy and soy. The thought of giving up was still never a thought I had. There were days, even weeks when I felt like she was on the boob all day and some of them she really was! I learned to ignore other peoples’ discomfort when I happily nursed, without a cover, in reastruants, parks, and even once while sitting on an endcap in target. After all I was comfortable and so was my daughter. 

      My goal was two and yet her birthday came and went with no end in sight. Lots of people asked “really, you are still nursing her?”, “isn’t she off the boob yet?” And an array of other questions which faded when they realized I really did not care what anyone thought and was going to follow my gut to allow her to self wean. 

Over time she became too busy to nurse during the day other than to go to sleep. I grew too tired to nurse in the night and slowly night weaned her around 2 1/2. Her night time nursing became just a few minutes. Nap time nursing went away as she began to fight sleep until she won, gaining a second wind or fell asleep where she was. I savoured our morning nursing sessions, breathing in her sent, gazing into her eyes, feeling her hot weight against me as she rolled the skin of my breast between her fingers, feeling her heart beat in sync with mine. 

Her third birthday came and went. An age when I thought I would no longer be comfortable nursing her. Yet it felt no different nursing her after her birthday than it did before so we continued. 

It felt like I had been nursing her forever and it would never end yet it felt like I blinked and my tiny baby became a toddler winking at me before drifting off to sleep while nursing. She was Only nursing about two minutes before bed. She began to tell me there was Only a sip of milk, sometimes no milk. Her latch changed, I lost what was left of my milk. For a month she dry nursed to sleep, while I clinched my teeth, skin crawling. I did it because it was two minutes of wanting to jump out of my skin vs two hours of screaming, because I knew the end was near, because I knew she was not ready yet even if I was. She would fall asleep on the couch, or latch then instantly say she was done and go to sleep on her own. 

And then it happened. We went to bed and she latched, let go and told me she didn’t need boobie anymore. That was 8 days ago. 

3 years, 4 months, and 12 days. 

It’s not bittersweet, I’m not sad. I’m satisfied. I’m proud that I surpassed my original goal, that I let her choose and wean when she was ready. I feel thankful for the experience and everything it brought with it, for all I learned, for the moments I would otherwise not have had and for the amazing bond it nurtured between us.