Posted in Dating, life, Poetry, relationships

The volcano

    It’s dark and eriely quiet, the moon high in the sky shining brightly upon a volcano. 

     She stands tall and proud, outsiders see her as strong, captivating, intimidating even. 

      They don’t see beneath the surface. They don’t see the scars from where others have taken pieces of her, poked and prodded her. They don’t see the the hot fury beneath the surface, held in from fear. 

      Fear not because she is afraid to let go, afraid of what she may do, but because she knows exactly what she is capable of. Fear because once she lets go there is no holding back, no holding it in ever again. 

     Once she lets go she will be free but that freedom comes at a price. That freedom; openly speaking her mind, taking her place proudly, majestic and tall means she opens herself to hurt. Should she let someone get close enough to truely hurt her again may heaven have mercy on them for she fears their hurt more than her own. 

Posted in Family, life, parenting, relationships, Uncategorized

Kidnapping 

      Summer….. a time for friends, where kids take over the neighborhood smelling of sunblock and chlorine, dropping in sweat wreaking havoc with nurf gun wars and water fights. 

      N was supposed to go to V’s for the summer however given her recent behavior and refusal to give us a plan for him for the summer we decided that’s instead he would go to J’s mom’s house for the summer with his cousin. After two weeks up there V asked if she could have him for the weekend for her moms birthday and he really wanted to go so J said okay. J then agreed N could stay for a while longer. Phone calls with N became few and far between, and he was rude on the phone. 

      Finally summer was drawing to a close, N had a dentist and therapy appointment and 3 weeks to settle in before the start of school. We loaded up with Lovebug and made the drive to the agreed going place to meet. When we got there however, N was not there, nor was V. Instead a process server served J with custody papers. We called the police but because there was no parenting plan or custody agreement in place they said there was nothing they could do. As we drove home our hearts were heavy with sadness, fear, anger and we were very concerned for how this was going to affect N. 

V may legally be his mother and according to the law have had the right to keep him but to pull a child from his entire life as he knows it, to take him from his home, his school, his family and friends and community where he is established, That is kidnapping. 

Posted in Dating, Family, life, parenting, relationships

Blending families

      It’s hard to believe that eight months have gone by since my last blog posts. Life sure does get away from you sometimes. I’m going to break this post into a couple of smaller posts to make it easier on you.

         My daughter and I moved in with J and his son around the end of February. It was a huge adjustment going from just me and her to a family with J & his son. People tell you blending families is hard, but they never tell you exactly how hard it is.

       N said he was good with us moving in, he asked if he could call me mom and seemed very happy. He was very proud to have a little sister and they acted as typical siblings. 

     A was having a much harder time adjusting. She was great until J asked her to stop, to not do something, or told her no. Then it was world war three. She would scream, god would she scream. I thought for sure the neighbors were going to call the police and have cps banging on our door. She would hit, kick, bite and say awful things. She saw J & N as a threat, as people who were taking me away from her, taking away her time with me. It didn’t help that I started working full time at an accounting office which meant she could no longer spend the day with me at work. 

      The apartment we were staying in started to feel claustrophobic, and  I was not feeling at home. It’s hard to explain but it’s impossible to feel at home in a home that was built by someone else. In a home you had no input in, that is full of someone else’s belongings. Most of mine and Lovebugs stuff was still at T’s as there was just not room for it in the apartment. 

     J & A were having constant power struggles, J & I were clashing on parenting and add in the close quarters and we were all tense and starting to feel it. N also started to show it; he began being spacey, ignoreing rules, not doing his chores, not turning in his homework. He seemed to simply not care about anything anymore and everyday he disappeared inside himself a bit more. 

         Lovebugs bio dad was being typical and only seeing her once a month still. T was suddenly very busy all the time; he moved in his girlfriend and was redoing the entire house. Our only saving grace was my mom and J’s sister who took the kids on Saturday night so J & I could reconnect and catch our breaths.  

         We knew something had to change and quick if we were going to make it thru this adjustment. No one ever said parenting was this hard!

Posted in friends, life, Travel

Viva las vegas

     This afternoon finds me laying in bed watching tv, my legs feel as if I ran a marathon, my stomach churns at the thought of putting anything in it other than water, my eyes fight to stay open. This is the aftermath of 3 nights in Vegas. 

       A rather last minute business trip mandated I venture to Vegas for the first time so naturally we had to make it a full experience. R and I flew out Wednesday afternoon after I got my hair done and covered my lovebug in kisses before leaving her at my moms house. Dressed in a slinky black top, leather leggings and knee high boots we started the trip with cranberry & vodka on the plane. 


       We stayed at Polo towers which  is a great location! Above is the view from the living area of my suite. Below is the view from and of the roof. 

  After a quick stop at the hotel we walked over to v theater to see Zombie burlesque and Marc Savard, giving me my first taste of the strip.  I enjoyed Zombie Burlesque and then volunteered to get on stage at Marc Savards show. I thought it was not working as I sat there amongst 20 something people concentrating on what he was saying. The next thing I know he was shaking my hand and thanking me for participating. I returned to my seat thinking I had fallen asleep only to realize there was just two people left on stage, and I was holding a giant penis sucker. After the show people came up to me telling me Great job and giving away bits and pieces of the show which I had no recollection of.  Last night I watched several of his shows on YouTube and was mortified that I may end up on there for all the world to see. We ended the night early after some pizza. 

     Thursday was a relaxed day as it was pretty quiet in Vegas so we spent the morning at Circus Circus then the rest of  the day exploring, checking out casinos, shops and sights, tasting chocolates and drinking room temperature drinks as we walked the freezing cold strip.

       Friday I started the day with Starbucks hot chocolate and fireball, and a giant peanut butter chocolate cupcake from Hershey’s before heading to Ross to buy tennis shoes. As good as my heeled boots look they are made for all day walking in! Then onto the stratosphere where I turned into a popsicle on the rides. I donned a super stylish  jumpsuit and a harness before making my way up to the top of the stratosphere and being strapped into some cables that looked as if they would never hold let alone stop me from smashing into the giant bullseye below as I jumped off a tiny plantform arms out like super man and my face covered in what I’m sure was the biggest smile I have ever had. My feet hit the ground as I burst out laughing already wanting to do it again. 


   

The stratosphere was followed by more drinking, some pool, dinner with more drinks and a show called zoomanity. I was completely enthralled, my eyes riveted to the stage from the girls in the fish bowl to the little person flying they the air. I highly recommend this show! (It is sex based) 

     Walking back to the hotel we stopped when we smelled pot looking around and a man quietly said I got some. $20 later with a nice green ball in my pocket we were buying a pipe which we smoked on the patio 18 floors above the strip before stoned and drunk we hit the town for our final night in Vegas. 

Posted in friends, life

Hitting Bottom

When it rains it pours but in my case It comes with thunder, lightning and tornado’s too!

I was in a difficult job, running a home side by side with an adoptive mom of 7 high needs children. When my job duties and schedule changed without discussion or warning we had a falling out which led to her firing me. Actually she used the term “letting you go” as if that would be somehow not as hard to swallow. So I did what any sane person would do and went on a two week road trip, cross country, with my parents, and my 4yr old all IN THE SAME CAR!!!!! We survived.

A week after we got home love bug and I went to the car wash to wash, wax, vacuum, and Armour All my beloved Tahoe which had just taken us on the road trip. On the way home I was making a left hand turn and another vehicle tried to run the light hitting us at 45 mph then flipping over my car. My front end pushed in, the firewall buckled, the steering column shattered, the steering wheel pinned my thigh and the air bags went off. Everyone said had I been in a smaller vehicle I’d have died. Had I been 4 feet further into the intersection my daughter would have died.  We were lucky to walk away. All she had was a bruise on her cheek and a few nightmares, a fear of going in the car for a week or so. I tore two muscles in my shoulder, separated several ribs from my sternum, a hairline fracture in my thigh, as well as one in my collar bone, lots and lots of bruising and stiffness.

Four days later E broke up with me. He didn’t like that my near death crash changed my perspective on life in general and I called him out  on his feelings.

On Christmas day I said goodbye to my fur baby of 22 years as she passed in my arms.

I thought I was at rock bottom. I was hurting physically and emotionally. I felt broken and all I wanted to do was hide under my covers and cry. But I have a child so life goes on, and hey it cant get any worse right……

A few days later A, a male best friend of mine told me I wasn’t there when he needed me, that he had made the mistake of thinking he could count on me and I bailed. He said he was in Love with me and thought we could remain friends but that I pulled away because I was falling apart made him realize he couldn’t be my friend.

I’ve stopped asking or thinking what else could go wrong because the universe has shown me there is always more!

 

Posted in Family, life, Uncategorized

Is this Love

E was another fitness guy into working out, nicely built. We met online and chatted for a while though I didn’t think anything would come of it because he lives two hours away from me.

March 12, after 4 weeks or so of chatting My daughter was staying at grandmas so I accepted a last minute date from T; He stood me up. Right about then I was like eff it I am child free and feeling adventurous I’ll drive to Phoenix.

I texted E and it almost didn’t start. He was a bit put off that I had been stood up, thinking I had put him in line. I explained it was a last minute date, and I honestly was unsure cause he was in a different city. He said I surprised him by being honest and he would come down.

I killed time at Dunkin Donuts before meeting him at my old hole dive bar stomping ground. I was instantly attracted to him.  He was more a pretty New York Bronx boy, with a heavy chain around his neck, and diamond studs in both ears.  We had shots, played pool, laughed and talked and tried to dance but shots of patron …. Need I say more. Yes we stayed the night together and the next morning not only did I not regret it, I wanted more.

We talked and texted throughout the week. I made arrangements to have an entire weekend to myself. I drove up Friday arriving way early due to excitement and anticipation. After sitting in a parking lot for over two hours, unable to find an single hotel in his city we decided to drive back to mine,  get a room and get drunk. We stayed until Sunday afternoon, leaving only to go next door to circle k and to grab food once. That weekend is where dreams come from, what movies are inspired by. We spent very close to the entire weekend naked, watching movies, he played his guitar for me, we talked, snuggled,had mind blowing amazing sex, more than I thought was even possible in one weekend. We just couldn’t get enough of each other, couldn’t stop touching each other. We talked about what if I am the one he’s going to marry, would I like to go to New York to meet his mom down the road,  maybe he should move or I should move to be closer together.!Sunday left me with a feeling of longing even before he left, and the moment we went our separate ways his presence was missed. He has been the first thought in my mind each morning as I am greeted by his good morning texts, the last each night as I drift to sleep wishing I was in his arms.

Things continued much like this for the next six month, mostly staying at my house but occasionally staying at a hotel in his city.  Then things started to shift. I knew he had fallen for me and I was crazy about him yet his behavior, actions and words were not matching. He seemed to pull away a bit, didn’t want to do anything with my daughter. There was some lies that came to light, some weird behavior. I chalked it all up to he was scared. We went to six flags for my birthday and had an amazing weekend. I went out of state as did he to visit our families. Upon returning he showed up very late and left very early the next morning. I tried to talk to him but it didn’t work very well. I wrote him a letter addressing my concerns, what I wanted and needed. A few days later I was in a bad car accident and lucky to be alive. That weekend he bailed on coming to see me and it came out that he was put off by my letter, felt backed into a corner and he didn’t like it. After a few more brief conversions he ended things.

We talked briefly over the following 7 weeks, usually short and pleasant “How are you doing?”, “Hows work?” I missed him and had feelings for him but accepted things and moved on. I started dating again. Life was good.

Then out of the blue E texted me and the weirdest conversation of my life took place. Basically he wanted to know if I had slept with anyone, was I okay with him sleeping with someone else and so on….Eventually I realized he was fishing and he told me I was right and deep down he loved me, and he was scared. He said it would be great to see me again said he hated the drive down and was seeing someone. He asked me what I thought of it and offered to send me a picture. It turned into a great conversation such as I’d have with an old friend but left me with mixed emotions, angry that he threw this on me now, angry he wasted what could have been great. What could have been because I don’t know if I will ever forgive him for hurting me the way he did, and I don’t know if I could ever trust him to not run when things get hard. Also because I’ve realized he can’t give me what I want, or what I need. He’s the only person I’ve ever met who makes me feel like a stranger to myself.