Posted in Dating, life, relationships, Uncategorized

I said Yes

     Sometimes you say you will never do something again, like get married. Then right in the middle of your ordinary life a fairytale starts to unfold; you just have to be willing to open your eyes and see that it may not be the fairytale you thought it would be, or the kind you read about as a little girl. 

     Instead, a real life fairytale. One with trials and tribulations, when with challenges that make you stronger her and hard times that bring you closer together. 

        It was the Monday after Mother’s Day, after a great Mother’s Day. I had a volleyball game so I dropped love bug off to spend the night with grandma. I was covered in sand and sweat, dressed in my team shirt, and volleyball shorts, my messy hair pulled up in a blue bandanna. I ate Taco Bell as I drove home, music blaring. I called J on my way and he cut me short saying he was working on my website and wanted to get it finished before I got home. 

       I parked and was annoyed the door was locked as I fumbled for my keys, balancing my wallet, phone, gallon of water and mango tea. I opened the door to find the living room lit in candles, music playing and a sweet fragrance filling the air. 

        J took my stuff from me and hugged me. I told him “hold that thought, I’m going to shower real quick”.  thinking he was setting the stage for romantic hanky panky. He led me over to the table 

With Tim McGraw’s My best friend playing in the background he got down on ine knee and aske sme to be his wife. My heart skipped a beat 

I’m terrified of getting married again, not the actual marriage part but of it failing and yet I’m oddly calm and confident it’s forever and it’s right. He makes me so crazy and so happy at the same time that I don’t want to be sane ever again. 

Posted in life, parenting, relationships

Custody hearing 

     Sometimes you don’t realize you were holding your breath until you inhale deeply. That is how it felt this week. 

        V came to visit only twice since our last court date. Both times she had a friend meet up with her and left N to hang with her friends child while she visited with her friend not really paying any attention to N. 

        Over the Course of the last two months, since our last court date, N has revealed a lot of lies that were told to him by his mother. He has said that he hates her because of what she did over the summer, and because she never pays attention to him. We have enrolled him in therapy with a great therapist who is working through everything with him and we have started to see an improvement in his behavior.

       The judge appointed a CAA, court appointed advisor, who interviewed us, N and V. She also pulled driving Records, N’s school records, and background checks on both J and myself. The judge ordered both J and N to fill out complete financial affidavits with copies of paystub’s for the previous month, W-2s and tax returns for the previous three years. He also ordered pretrial statements to be filled out by both parties with copies of their proposed parenting plan, any evidence to be entered for court and a list of any witnesses to be called. These were due 5 business days prior to trial and had to be given to the other party as well as the judge and the court clerk. 

        I meticulously went over every paper multiple times before shipping it to the required parties. N’s behavior was awful that week, escalating each day as trial approached. He asked us to try really hard to keep him and told V several times he did not want to live with her. 

      The morning of court both kids cried at the thought of N having to leave. We dropped them at school and made the two hour drive. Court was very short, ten minutes in total. V emailed her paperwork the night before court and filed it with the clerk the day before court. The judge made it clear he was done and this was nonsense. There would be no further hearing, this was for permanent custody. He didn’t ask for any evidence, or witnesses. He went over what J asked for and granted it! J got sole physical custody, V is allowed to come to Tucson’s I visit on the weekends and can take N on prolonged school breaks if we do not have any trips/vacations planned. 

      As we left the courthouse it was like a weight had been lifted. N was estatic when we told him as was Lovebug. Our home instantly became much more relaxed and happy which is when I realized we had been holding our breaths for weeks. 

       He is ours. He is not leaving. She can not take him. 

Posted in Dating, life, Poetry, relationships

The volcano

    It’s dark and eriely quiet, the moon high in the sky shining brightly upon a volcano. 

     She stands tall and proud, outsiders see her as strong, captivating, intimidating even. 

      They don’t see beneath the surface. They don’t see the scars from where others have taken pieces of her, poked and prodded her. They don’t see the the hot fury beneath the surface, held in from fear. 

      Fear not because she is afraid to let go, afraid of what she may do, but because she knows exactly what she is capable of. Fear because once she lets go there is no holding back, no holding it in ever again. 

     Once she lets go she will be free but that freedom comes at a price. That freedom; openly speaking her mind, taking her place proudly, majestic and tall means she opens herself to hurt. Should she let someone get close enough to truely hurt her again may heaven have mercy on them for she fears their hurt more than her own. 

Posted in Family, life, parenting, relationships, Uncategorized


      Summer….. a time for friends, where kids take over the neighborhood smelling of sunblock and chlorine, dropping in sweat wreaking havoc with nurf gun wars and water fights. 

      N was supposed to go to V’s for the summer however given her recent behavior and refusal to give us a plan for him for the summer we decided that’s instead he would go to J’s mom’s house for the summer with his cousin. After two weeks up there V asked if she could have him for the weekend for her moms birthday and he really wanted to go so J said okay. J then agreed N could stay for a while longer. Phone calls with N became few and far between, and he was rude on the phone. 

      Finally summer was drawing to a close, N had a dentist and therapy appointment and 3 weeks to settle in before the start of school. We loaded up with Lovebug and made the drive to the agreed going place to meet. When we got there however, N was not there, nor was V. Instead a process server served J with custody papers. We called the police but because there was no parenting plan or custody agreement in place they said there was nothing they could do. As we drove home our hearts were heavy with sadness, fear, anger and we were very concerned for how this was going to affect N. 

V may legally be his mother and according to the law have had the right to keep him but to pull a child from his entire life as he knows it, to take him from his home, his school, his family and friends and community where he is established, That is kidnapping. 

Posted in Dating, Family, life, parenting, relationships

Blending families

      It’s hard to believe that eight months have gone by since my last blog posts. Life sure does get away from you sometimes. I’m going to break this post into a couple of smaller posts to make it easier on you.

         My daughter and I moved in with J and his son around the end of February. It was a huge adjustment going from just me and her to a family with J & his son. People tell you blending families is hard, but they never tell you exactly how hard it is.

       N said he was good with us moving in, he asked if he could call me mom and seemed very happy. He was very proud to have a little sister and they acted as typical siblings. 

     A was having a much harder time adjusting. She was great until J asked her to stop, to not do something, or told her no. Then it was world war three. She would scream, god would she scream. I thought for sure the neighbors were going to call the police and have cps banging on our door. She would hit, kick, bite and say awful things. She saw J & N as a threat, as people who were taking me away from her, taking away her time with me. It didn’t help that I started working full time at an accounting office which meant she could no longer spend the day with me at work. 

      The apartment we were staying in started to feel claustrophobic, and  I was not feeling at home. It’s hard to explain but it’s impossible to feel at home in a home that was built by someone else. In a home you had no input in, that is full of someone else’s belongings. Most of mine and Lovebugs stuff was still at T’s as there was just not room for it in the apartment. 

     J & A were having constant power struggles, J & I were clashing on parenting and add in the close quarters and we were all tense and starting to feel it. N also started to show it; he began being spacey, ignoreing rules, not doing his chores, not turning in his homework. He seemed to simply not care about anything anymore and everyday he disappeared inside himself a bit more. 

         Lovebugs bio dad was being typical and only seeing her once a month still. T was suddenly very busy all the time; he moved in his girlfriend and was redoing the entire house. Our only saving grace was my mom and J’s sister who took the kids on Saturday night so J & I could reconnect and catch our breaths.  

         We knew something had to change and quick if we were going to make it thru this adjustment. No one ever said parenting was this hard!

Posted in friends, life, Travel

Viva las vegas

     This afternoon finds me laying in bed watching tv, my legs feel as if I ran a marathon, my stomach churns at the thought of putting anything in it other than water, my eyes fight to stay open. This is the aftermath of 3 nights in Vegas. 

       A rather last minute business trip mandated I venture to Vegas for the first time so naturally we had to make it a full experience. R and I flew out Wednesday afternoon after I got my hair done and covered my lovebug in kisses before leaving her at my moms house. Dressed in a slinky black top, leather leggings and knee high boots we started the trip with cranberry & vodka on the plane. 

       We stayed at Polo towers which  is a great location! Above is the view from the living area of my suite. Below is the view from and of the roof. 

  After a quick stop at the hotel we walked over to v theater to see Zombie burlesque and Marc Savard, giving me my first taste of the strip.  I enjoyed Zombie Burlesque and then volunteered to get on stage at Marc Savards show. I thought it was not working as I sat there amongst 20 something people concentrating on what he was saying. The next thing I know he was shaking my hand and thanking me for participating. I returned to my seat thinking I had fallen asleep only to realize there was just two people left on stage, and I was holding a giant penis sucker. After the show people came up to me telling me Great job and giving away bits and pieces of the show which I had no recollection of.  Last night I watched several of his shows on YouTube and was mortified that I may end up on there for all the world to see. We ended the night early after some pizza. 

     Thursday was a relaxed day as it was pretty quiet in Vegas so we spent the morning at Circus Circus then the rest of  the day exploring, checking out casinos, shops and sights, tasting chocolates and drinking room temperature drinks as we walked the freezing cold strip.

       Friday I started the day with Starbucks hot chocolate and fireball, and a giant peanut butter chocolate cupcake from Hershey’s before heading to Ross to buy tennis shoes. As good as my heeled boots look they are made for all day walking in! Then onto the stratosphere where I turned into a popsicle on the rides. I donned a super stylish  jumpsuit and a harness before making my way up to the top of the stratosphere and being strapped into some cables that looked as if they would never hold let alone stop me from smashing into the giant bullseye below as I jumped off a tiny plantform arms out like super man and my face covered in what I’m sure was the biggest smile I have ever had. My feet hit the ground as I burst out laughing already wanting to do it again. 


The stratosphere was followed by more drinking, some pool, dinner with more drinks and a show called zoomanity. I was completely enthralled, my eyes riveted to the stage from the girls in the fish bowl to the little person flying they the air. I highly recommend this show! (It is sex based) 

     Walking back to the hotel we stopped when we smelled pot looking around and a man quietly said I got some. $20 later with a nice green ball in my pocket we were buying a pipe which we smoked on the patio 18 floors above the strip before stoned and drunk we hit the town for our final night in Vegas. 

Posted in friends, life

Hitting Bottom

When it rains it pours but in my case It comes with thunder, lightning and tornado’s too!

I was in a difficult job, running a home side by side with an adoptive mom of 7 high needs children. When my job duties and schedule changed without discussion or warning we had a falling out which led to her firing me. Actually she used the term “letting you go” as if that would be somehow not as hard to swallow. So I did what any sane person would do and went on a two week road trip, cross country, with my parents, and my 4yr old all IN THE SAME CAR!!!!! We survived.

A week after we got home love bug and I went to the car wash to wash, wax, vacuum, and Armour All my beloved Tahoe which had just taken us on the road trip. On the way home I was making a left hand turn and another vehicle tried to run the light hitting us at 45 mph then flipping over my car. My front end pushed in, the firewall buckled, the steering column shattered, the steering wheel pinned my thigh and the air bags went off. Everyone said had I been in a smaller vehicle I’d have died. Had I been 4 feet further into the intersection my daughter would have died.  We were lucky to walk away. All she had was a bruise on her cheek and a few nightmares, a fear of going in the car for a week or so. I tore two muscles in my shoulder, separated several ribs from my sternum, a hairline fracture in my thigh, as well as one in my collar bone, lots and lots of bruising and stiffness.

Four days later E broke up with me. He didn’t like that my near death crash changed my perspective on life in general and I called him out  on his feelings.

On Christmas day I said goodbye to my fur baby of 22 years as she passed in my arms.

I thought I was at rock bottom. I was hurting physically and emotionally. I felt broken and all I wanted to do was hide under my covers and cry. But I have a child so life goes on, and hey it cant get any worse right……

A few days later A, a male best friend of mine told me I wasn’t there when he needed me, that he had made the mistake of thinking he could count on me and I bailed. He said he was in Love with me and thought we could remain friends but that I pulled away because I was falling apart made him realize he couldn’t be my friend.

I’ve stopped asking or thinking what else could go wrong because the universe has shown me there is always more!