Posted in Family, parenting

4 yr old demonic teenager 

     Does anyone else a 4yr old? Is it just me or are they pint sized demons testing us to see how far we can bend before breaking?

    The things that come out of my daughters mouth sometimes leave me staring wide eyed, speechless wondering where my sweet little girl who was full of kisses, snuggles & I love you’s just a year ago went.  

       Taking her out of the house is a risk as at any moment she may start spewing green pea soup or laughing maniacally at the mean thing she just said while her head spins in circles and I contemplate how much I can sell her for.      



Posted in Family, life, Uncategorized

Is this Love

E was another fitness guy into working out, nicely built. We met online and chatted for a while though I didn’t think anything would come of it because he lives two hours away from me.

March 12, after 4 weeks or so of chatting My daughter was staying at grandmas so I accepted a last minute date from T; He stood me up. Right about then I was like eff it I am child free and feeling adventurous I’ll drive to Phoenix.

I texted E and it almost didn’t start. He was a bit put off that I had been stood up, thinking I had put him in line. I explained it was a last minute date, and I honestly was unsure cause he was in a different city. He said I surprised him by being honest and he would come down.

I killed time at Dunkin Donuts before meeting him at my old hole dive bar stomping ground. I was instantly attracted to him.  He was more a pretty New York Bronx boy, with a heavy chain around his neck, and diamond studs in both ears.  We had shots, played pool, laughed and talked and tried to dance but shots of patron …. Need I say more. Yes we stayed the night together and the next morning not only did I not regret it, I wanted more.

We talked and texted throughout the week. I made arrangements to have an entire weekend to myself. I drove up Friday arriving way early due to excitement and anticipation. After sitting in a parking lot for over two hours, unable to find an single hotel in his city we decided to drive back to mine,  get a room and get drunk. We stayed until Sunday afternoon, leaving only to go next door to circle k and to grab food once. That weekend is where dreams come from, what movies are inspired by. We spent very close to the entire weekend naked, watching movies, he played his guitar for me, we talked, snuggled,had mind blowing amazing sex, more than I thought was even possible in one weekend. We just couldn’t get enough of each other, couldn’t stop touching each other. We talked about what if I am the one he’s going to marry, would I like to go to New York to meet his mom down the road,  maybe he should move or I should move to be closer together.!Sunday left me with a feeling of longing even before he left, and the moment we went our separate ways his presence was missed. He has been the first thought in my mind each morning as I am greeted by his good morning texts, the last each night as I drift to sleep wishing I was in his arms.

Things continued much like this for the next six month, mostly staying at my house but occasionally staying at a hotel in his city.  Then things started to shift. I knew he had fallen for me and I was crazy about him yet his behavior, actions and words were not matching. He seemed to pull away a bit, didn’t want to do anything with my daughter. There was some lies that came to light, some weird behavior. I chalked it all up to he was scared. We went to six flags for my birthday and had an amazing weekend. I went out of state as did he to visit our families. Upon returning he showed up very late and left very early the next morning. I tried to talk to him but it didn’t work very well. I wrote him a letter addressing my concerns, what I wanted and needed. A few days later I was in a bad car accident and lucky to be alive. That weekend he bailed on coming to see me and it came out that he was put off by my letter, felt backed into a corner and he didn’t like it. After a few more brief conversions he ended things.

We talked briefly over the following 7 weeks, usually short and pleasant “How are you doing?”, “Hows work?” I missed him and had feelings for him but accepted things and moved on. I started dating again. Life was good.

Then out of the blue E texted me and the weirdest conversation of my life took place. Basically he wanted to know if I had slept with anyone, was I okay with him sleeping with someone else and so on….Eventually I realized he was fishing and he told me I was right and deep down he loved me, and he was scared. He said it would be great to see me again said he hated the drive down and was seeing someone. He asked me what I thought of it and offered to send me a picture. It turned into a great conversation such as I’d have with an old friend but left me with mixed emotions, angry that he threw this on me now, angry he wasted what could have been great. What could have been because I don’t know if I will ever forgive him for hurting me the way he did, and I don’t know if I could ever trust him to not run when things get hard. Also because I’ve realized he can’t give me what I want, or what I need. He’s the only person I’ve ever met who makes me feel like a stranger to myself.

Posted in Family, life, parenting

A taste of toddlerhood

T announced yesterday that he’s exhausted because all evening Lovebug just wants him and with her newfound threenager stage it’s overwhelming.

Today, after 2 trips to the store already, I ran out of eggs while baking hawiian  banana bread (4 loafs!)  As I was surrounded by flour, oil, mashed bananas and had two loafs already in the oven he volunteered to run and get eggs and sunblock and of course Lovebug had to go too.

After approximately an hour (the store is 3 minutes away) he came in the house with a look on his face. Lovebug showed me her new ball and said she was a brat at the store. T expanded and it went something like this;

She wanted to drive her hello kitty car to the store and it took ten minutes to convince her to get in the Tahoe because it was too far for her to drive in her car. Then she wanted to stand up and look at the window so it was another five minutes before we actually left. She saw princess bandaids right as we walked in and wanted them cause she is out so I said okay. Then of course she had to pee and there was some guy taking a dump in the only stall in the men’s room and she didn’t understand I can’t go in the women’s bathroom. Someone offered to Stand at the door to the woman’s finally and I took her pee. Then coming out of the bathroom she saw the big stand of balls and wanted one cause she doesn’t have a Minnie Mouse one. I told her she ha to pick the ball or bandaids so she got the ball. I grabbed eggs and sunblock and we went to check out. She wanted candy and I told her no because she had a ball and Gatorade. She basically melted after that. And to top it off we got in the car and she started crying that the scrape on her knee hurt and she wanted a princess bandaid which we didn’t get. So yea.

At this point I’m trying not laugh and thinking welcome to parenthood when she comes in and throws her ball in the trash and says she doesn’t want it because it’s dirty. I almost peed my pants from laughing.

Posted in Family, life, parenting

Here’s to us 

This time 3 years ago I was in early labour. I was excited and sad. My dream of becoming a mom was about to come true yet it was was not with the love of my life but a Man whose relationship  with was a sinking ship. As I thought of the past I silently mourned. I mourned It would not be the love of my life holding me while I birthed Lovebug, that it would not be his daughter. I mourned the relationship  I knew was crumbling around me.

Right now I’m laying with my sleeping daughter in my arms, her sweaty head full of curls on my shoulder, Her soft hot little body is pressing against my side and her bright pink and green toes on my thigh. And tears are silently falling down my cheeks. Hot, salty and bittersweet.

In the past three years I have fought and gone thru postpartum depression, left an abusive relationship, been without a place to call home, fed my daughter with food stamps, begged and borrowed to get by, lost more than one job, been a single mom, had “friends” desert me, realized my very best friend wasn’t, accepted help from strangers in my moms group, hid in the shower and cried, felt like a failure, hated myself, been jealous, angry and truely afraid.

BUT ……I have learned I’m stronger than I ever thought I could be. I found courage, love, a second chance, happiness and joy. I learned people are for the most part good and willing to help. I found my inner strength, my priorities, myself. I have laughed, loved, and forgiven. I found a best friend who is so dear to me. I realized an acquaintance; someone I barely knew was an Absolutly amazing friend who truly was there.

Looking at my daughter; I am a great mother, amazing even. She is smart, loving, affectionate, independent, hungry for knowledge, creative, sensitive, funny, perceptive, empathetic, outgoing and fierce.  She is unscathed by the past three years. They may not have been how I wanted them but they are gone and I’m still here. Today things are not perfect; I am unemployed and having a hard time finding work, I’m stressed and struggling to make ends meet but at the end of the day It’s okay. I have a roof over my head with a beautiful view, I have food, we are safe, we are loved, we are healthy. It may not have happened the way I planned but I have T and Lovebug.

So tomorrow is not just a celebration that Lovebug will be 3. It is also my celebration of becoming a mother, and of the past three years.

Posted in Family, parenting

Children are supposed to be….quiet???

Last week I started a new nanny job for a work from home mom who has a 4 yr old and a 2 mo old. She said she choose to work from home because she wanted to be a part of the noise and caos. However after 4 days on the job she announced “this isn’t working, I’m not getting any work done” because my bored 3 yr old (she decided to leave her 4 yr old in preschool all day) was too noisy while playing.

Prior to that while on vacation my grandmother said multiple times that my daughter was a bad girl, a brat and needed a spanking for being loud and opinionated.

This got me thinking what started the mind thought of children should be seen and not heard? Why is having a strong willed, boisterous child seen as bad?

Children learn thru play. Play involves make believe monsters that need to be run from while shrieking, drums that need to be banged on, microphones that need to be sang into, and laughter. Lots of loud laughter.

I want my daughter to feel important and that she matters so I let her speak her thoughts and tell me when she doesn’t agree with something or like something. I let her voice her anger and frustration and scream with excitement.

By telling a child to be quiet, to not to talk back, argue or voice their emotions is telling them they do not have value, they do not matter, they are not an equal being because of their smaller size. And it’s teaching them to be emotionally handicapped, unable to show or voice their emotions but to instead bottle it up, lock it away and we all know that one day it will explode.