Posted in Family, relationships

Security breach

I’m a very emotionally based person and I feel things very deeply especially in the moment. I need time to process.

It just came to my attention via a phone call to J from his sister B that she has found and been reading my blog, and is upset by my post about she and her mother.

My blog is my private journal, my place to get out my thoughts without hurting any one. I choose for it to be annoymous so that I can be brutally honest and not filter myself as I would knowing someone was reading it who knows me. I have nothing to hide, don’t get me wrong,  but I don’t want to hurt anyone.

That she found my blog means she looked for it, and that she has been reading it without my knowledge feels like an invasion of my privacy and my trust; as if she went thru my things, found and read my diary. So I will no longer be using this blog.

My beloved followers who have been on this journey with me from the beginning thank you for your awesome emails!

 

Advertisements
Posted in Dating, Family, parenting, relationships, Uncategorized

Blending 

      People say blending families is hard and man, they were not joking! If only it was as easy as the Brady bunch with all the children well behaved and seemlessly getting along. 

       N is almost 11, an only child whose mother was never present and left two years ago. He was raised by a single father, J. B aka Love bug is 5, an only child raised by her single mom (me) for 4 years. 

       When we first got serious the kids were happy and we thought “hey! This is gonna be easy!” Then we moved in together and all hell broke loose. 

      They were each fairly well behaved for us respectively, however if J attempted to parent B in any easy at all, even a simple “please don’t do that” it was world war 3. Likewise N was rude and disrespectful to me the minute J left each day. 

      We recognize they have had a lot of change in a short period of time. B and I moved into their 2 bedroom apartment with them, N left to Phoenix and was then kept by his mom starting a custody battle, we got rid of a dog that became aggressive and got a puppy, we moved into a house, we got N back, both kids started school, all in a 5 month time span. Any adult would even have a hard time adjusting to that!

         N came back in August, and they started school a few days later. They have both been in therapy a month now. J and I had to really change how we parent to adapt to our new family dynamic. We had to understand a step parents role is different than that of a biological parent, we had to give them some space to express their feelings, to work thru their losses and gains. 

         We are focusing on what we have, on saying everything in a positive light such as instead of “don’t swing your fork” saying “please set you fork on your plate.” We have been discussing the children and consequences privately and presenting a united front.

     Are we perfect? Hell no! We have days we loose our ish and yell at the kids or at each other, days where we collapse after they go to bed and talk about selling them, days where a glass of wine is needed even though it’s only 10a (hey it’s 5′ o clock somewhere!) 

        As the days and weeks go by we are figuring it out and settling in, we have more happy cooperative days than not. Time is magically when blending a family. Remember your child has had you from their first breath and learned your expectations with you, these new flaky members are not going to be family in a day, a week a month, hell maybe not even in a year but it will get easier!

Posted in Dating, Family, relationships

True love =hard work

    When you meet the love of your life your heart skips when they look at you, your hands get sweaty, you get butterflies when they kiss you. Every day is like a dream, you are 100% in sync, you never argue, you are always happy and you can’t get enough of each other. This is the test of your life……. 

         NOT!!!! That is a lie. That is complete and utter bull crap we are led to believe from Disney, then love story movies and Harlem romance novels. When true love comes along most of us don’t recognize it, and even if we do we don’t accept it. We are set up for failure from a young age which is no wonder why divorce rates are higher than ever and no one is expected to last. 

      Those butterflies, and heart beat skips are lust and they fade in and out over the course of a relationship. Every romance is amazing in the beginning but the true test is after the honeymoon awe has worn off, when life hits full force with bills, kids, stress and challenges. 

        True love is hard work! It means staying when you when you want to walk away, talking when you want to scream, hugging when you want to fight. True love requires  patience, understanding and communication. It means lowering your walls and allowing yourself to be seen in all your vulnerable beauty. 

      True love ebbs and flows; some days you are on cloud 9, so in love you want to run off to Vegas, you agree on everything. Or maybe you can’t keep your hands off each other, you spend hours in bed or all night caught up in passion not caring that you will pay for the lack of sleep the next day. Other days it will seem you are not speaking the same languages, you will not agree on a single thing and your partner will seem like a complete stranger to you. 

     At the end of the day when you are still there, because it’s worth fighting for, because the good days out number the bad, because you remember why you fell in love….. when you collapse onto the couch and laugh about selling your kids and starting over or running away to a desert island, when yousnuggle into each other and fall asleep or fall asleep on your perspective edges of the bed refusing to touch but wake up entwined together….that is true love. 

Posted in Family, relationships

When family fails you 

      Your parents are supposed to be the ones you can count on no matter what, but what if they fail you?

      My parents have always been there & had my back 100% even if they didn’t like my choices. The more I get to know J’s family the more I am perplexed by the dynamic and confused. 

        J has never been close to his mom S and sister R and now I see why. R is totally spoiled. Her mom bought her dog, gave her a car, paid for her car to get fixed recently, her parents paid all her bills while she went to school and yet she constantly complains she is a single mom and gets no help and life is so hard. 

        She can do no wrong in her moms eyes. She is on a pedestal and J  is expected to hold it up. They both think they are better than everyone and are very rude and sometimes downright mean; it’s why J’s dad said he left and why J keeps them at a distance. 

      I have treated them both with respect, like my family. I tried really hard to be there for R and be her friend despite her draining emotional instability and need to butt into my relation with J. I even overlooked her flat out being mean a few times. 

      S was really rude to me over the weekend when she came to town for my daughters birthday.  She asked how she could help then argued for 20 minutes about putting the candy out on a desert table as I had planned instead of in bags for them to take home, she then refused to help. 

     Saturday morning I was sore and felt like crap because I overdid it, having done almost everything myself Friday night because J was working on her present. She apparently was mad because I didn’t tell her not to do the dishes because she was a guest and I didn’t tell her thank you for breakfast; she said N cooked so I thanked him. I started to decorate the cupcakes and she yelled at me to stop being stubborn, if I’m sick I’m going to contaminate the food and get everyone else sick and I need to delegate. I told her I wasn’t sick I was just sore and she yelled about how she got crushed by a car and is allergic to pain meds so she is in more pain than I could ever know and I don’t know what pain is.

     J told her she was out of line and if she couldn’t be respectful she could leave. She told him she was going to apologize but instead lectured me for 20 minutes about how I’m selfish, don’t know how to parent, am ruining my daughter who is a brat and she won’t let me come between her and  J because they are such a close family

R was mad she stayed with us Friday, and that she came down for My daughter party and therefore told R she wasn’t coming two weekends in a row so she should have her child’s party the same weekend. R said it was our fault because she had to move her child’s birthday and no one came. She left her cigarettes outside and it rained so that was J’s fault for not bringing them to her. 

           Yesterday at work R tried to tell me how I needed to parent and what my children need. Today at work R was being a rude, demanding I give her the passwords to everything and have her approve everything before I posted it. Our boss said the tension was too much and left for a bit. R flipped out on me; said that I think I’m perfect and I caused her to loose her best friend and brother, that twice our boss had wanted to fire me and I gave her an excuse and she let me stay. That all I do is f*** around in social media and get paid when she told me to do this and this. I pointed out our boss told me to do what I have been working on and that she, R, is not my boss. She yelled some more about I’m a b**** and selfish and gathered all her stuff and left. 

         I called our boss who came back. R came back and started crying about its so hard, and poor her being a single mom and she is so depressed because she has no one. S called me at work to yell at me about what a great job I’ve done ruining R’s  job and relationship with J. 

      We had a meeting in which nothing was solved but our boss said to leave the personal stuff at the door. My hours were then changed to only 25 hours per week. 

       I’m feeling exhausted, hurt for J that they are his family, and very angryily biting my tongue out if respect for J. 

Posted in Family, parenting

Starting Kindergarten

     Most parents talk about their children starting school as being bittersweet. They talk about how they cried more than their child, and how hard it was. 

     I wanted to throw a party. I wanted to scream from the rooftops, to go home and revel in the silence and drink wine while binging on Netflix. 

         My baby is no longer a baby or a toddler or even a preschooler but a little girl. A free spirited, independent little girl full of sass, attitude and love like her mom. A little girl who though a bit nervous was confident that she would be okay, that she would make friends and I’d be there at the end of the day. 

       I survived 5 years, (well 4 years, 11 months and 24 days but who’s counting) as a single parent! My daughter smiled, held hands with her teacher and waved bye from the head of the line with out a single tear which means I did something right.

Posted in Family, parenting, relationships

Getting N back

     When you have a baby be it with the love of your life or as a single parent you never expect this to happen to you. To protect yourself and your child get a legal custody agreement immediately if you break up!    

      In a matter of days I quickly became an expert on the custody laws in AZ, what a fathers rights are, what happens when parents do not agree. I learned about establishing paternity, emergency orders, temporary orders and court advisors. 

       V asked for joint custody and that she be the primary or custodial parent meaning N would live with her during the school year. J filed a response and asked for sole custody.  He also filed for temporary orders with notice which means he wanted N to live with him until the custody case was over. 

      V then filed for temporary orders without notice which are also known as emergency orders. She filed on the grounds that J said he would make her life hell and claimed J was emotionally abusive to her during their relationship. Her order was denied. 

       She had told N we no longer wanted him, that we had gotten married without him because he was not important to us and so many other lies. She would not allow J or his family to see N, would not allow me to talk to N and every time J spoke to him it was on speaker phone during which she controlled what he said. N often cried on the phone, sounded frustrated and confused. 

       Due to her filing where she lived we had to take off work, to drive up there every time J had to file paperwork as well pay for it. J filed emergency orders and we learned that they are only ever granted if there is a current police or cps involvement for abuse, or drug abuse. The same day order was denied but a hearing was set for three days later. It was great news yet financially bad news as we had to hire a process server and pay for expidited service as she had to be notified of the hearing by the night before. 

We sat nervously outside the courtroom waiting the morning of the hearing. V showed up with family members in tow. They laughed and joked and seemed to not care we were about to go into court to find out who was getting N. it was like it was all a joke to her. I wanted to smack the laughter off her face. 

      The judge ordered her to turn N over by 5pm that afternoon, appointed a court advisor to come see both homes and interview those living there. V was given visitation one weekend day per month in Tucson. V and her family exploded out of the courtroom while we erupted into tears. As we were leaving the courtroom V caused a scene screaming and yelling at J until the sherif stepped in. 

       We went to her house at 5pm with police and picked up N who was a ball of tears in J’s arms then mine as we drove home. We have a hearing in September to determine temporary custody which will outline where N will live until the entire case is finished but for now our family is whole. 

     

      

Posted in Family, life, parenting, relationships, Uncategorized

Kidnapping 

      Summer….. a time for friends, where kids take over the neighborhood smelling of sunblock and chlorine, dropping in sweat wreaking havoc with nurf gun wars and water fights. 

      N was supposed to go to V’s for the summer however given her recent behavior and refusal to give us a plan for him for the summer we decided that’s instead he would go to J’s mom’s house for the summer with his cousin. After two weeks up there V asked if she could have him for the weekend for her moms birthday and he really wanted to go so J said okay. J then agreed N could stay for a while longer. Phone calls with N became few and far between, and he was rude on the phone. 

      Finally summer was drawing to a close, N had a dentist and therapy appointment and 3 weeks to settle in before the start of school. We loaded up with Lovebug and made the drive to the agreed going place to meet. When we got there however, N was not there, nor was V. Instead a process server served J with custody papers. We called the police but because there was no parenting plan or custody agreement in place they said there was nothing they could do. As we drove home our hearts were heavy with sadness, fear, anger and we were very concerned for how this was going to affect N. 

V may legally be his mother and according to the law have had the right to keep him but to pull a child from his entire life as he knows it, to take him from his home, his school, his family and friends and community where he is established, That is kidnapping.