Posted in Dating, life, Poetry, relationships

The volcano

    It’s dark and eriely quiet, the moon high in the sky shining brightly upon a volcano. 

     She stands tall and proud, outsiders see her as strong, captivating, intimidating even. 

      They don’t see beneath the surface. They don’t see the scars from where others have taken pieces of her, poked and prodded her. They don’t see the the hot fury beneath the surface, held in from fear. 

      Fear not because she is afraid to let go, afraid of what she may do, but because she knows exactly what she is capable of. Fear because once she lets go there is no holding back, no holding it in ever again. 

     Once she lets go she will be free but that freedom comes at a price. That freedom; openly speaking her mind, taking her place proudly, majestic and tall means she opens herself to hurt. Should she let someone get close enough to truely hurt her again may heaven have mercy on them for she fears their hurt more than her own. 

Posted in Dating, Family, parenting, relationships

J & N

      Sometimes you have to go backwards to go forward So a little back story on J & N. 

     J met V and after a few dates thought she would be a fun fling. He mistakenly believed her when she said she was on birth control and didn’t use a condom. 9 months later N was born. 

      According to J and his friends & family V was never much of a mother. Though she loves him she is too selfish and lacks the capacity to be a parent. J was the one who got up with him at night and cared for him as an infant, worked full time and took care of the house. V was depressed and would not admit to it or get help. 

         After putting her through school where she got her degree in medical billing and coding she was unable to keep a job due to her dyslexia and depression as well as not wanting to work. 

      J & V fought all the time as she did not help around the house or with N, she was careless with N even causing him 3rd degree burns and a permanent scar once when she spilled boiling water in him as a toddler. J broke up with once and then took her back after she refused to allow him any contact with N. 

     In May of 2016 they broke up and she moved 2 hours away leaving N.  She would call every day but because she was unable to pass her driver’s test has no license and therefore no transportation. She has continued to not work, living with her family and occasionally babysitting for her aunt to get money for toiletries. She has never contributed with money, clothes or supplies for N. 

         N loves her, because she is his mother. He loves her because he has a huge heart and loves everyone. He feels it is his job to make her happy, and he desperately wants her approval. 

        I have heard many phone calls between J & V and N & V. She is focused on herself, how hurt she was and still is by the breakup, and by what she wants not what is best for N. 

       Once we moved in together things with her got a lot worse. V would make N feel guilty for not wanting to talk on the phone, for being happy with us. More and more frequently the calls would end with N in tears asking why she doesn’t love him and why he is such a bad kid. N started loosing interest in things, living in a fog and not caring at home. He would not do chores, & homework. He was very hard on himself, crying and yelling on an almost daily basis. 

       V would call and yell at J as well, fixated on how he broke her heart. We sought out information, printed and filled the paperwork for custody. J hesitated wanting to give V the benefit of the doubt, wanting to see the good in her but sometimes people don’t deserve another chance and she has proven that beyond a doubt. 

Posted in Dating, Family, life, parenting, relationships

Blending families

      It’s hard to believe that eight months have gone by since my last blog posts. Life sure does get away from you sometimes. I’m going to break this post into a couple of smaller posts to make it easier on you.

         My daughter and I moved in with J and his son around the end of February. It was a huge adjustment going from just me and her to a family with J & his son. People tell you blending families is hard, but they never tell you exactly how hard it is.

       N said he was good with us moving in, he asked if he could call me mom and seemed very happy. He was very proud to have a little sister and they acted as typical siblings. 

     A was having a much harder time adjusting. She was great until J asked her to stop, to not do something, or told her no. Then it was world war three. She would scream, god would she scream. I thought for sure the neighbors were going to call the police and have cps banging on our door. She would hit, kick, bite and say awful things. She saw J & N as a threat, as people who were taking me away from her, taking away her time with me. It didn’t help that I started working full time at an accounting office which meant she could no longer spend the day with me at work. 

      The apartment we were staying in started to feel claustrophobic, and  I was not feeling at home. It’s hard to explain but it’s impossible to feel at home in a home that was built by someone else. In a home you had no input in, that is full of someone else’s belongings. Most of mine and Lovebugs stuff was still at T’s as there was just not room for it in the apartment. 

     J & A were having constant power struggles, J & I were clashing on parenting and add in the close quarters and we were all tense and starting to feel it. N also started to show it; he began being spacey, ignoreing rules, not doing his chores, not turning in his homework. He seemed to simply not care about anything anymore and everyday he disappeared inside himself a bit more. 

         Lovebugs bio dad was being typical and only seeing her once a month still. T was suddenly very busy all the time; he moved in his girlfriend and was redoing the entire house. Our only saving grace was my mom and J’s sister who took the kids on Saturday night so J & I could reconnect and catch our breaths.  

         We knew something had to change and quick if we were going to make it thru this adjustment. No one ever said parenting was this hard!

Posted in Dating, relationships

New Years kiss

      New Year’s eve found me talking to several guys but still single so I decided to go out dancing at the last minute with a friend of mine. One of the guys that I was talking to, J, was also going dancing so we decided to meet up.

     I saw someone walk by twice who I thought with him and though he looked at me he didn’t say anything to me so I thought I was mistaken or that he had decided he didn’t want to meet me.

      No hard feelings, he is not the type I normally go for anyway, and it was New Year’s so I was determined to have fun with my friend as it was the first time I had ever gone out for New Year’s eve. I stuck my phone in my pocket and didn’t think anything else of it so I was surprised when he came up to me and asked me if I was A. I balanced the night talking with him, talking with some new people that we made friends with, and dancing with an old friend of mine. At midnight we shared a quick kiss and I was disappointed he didn’t grab me and really kiss me but we had just met. As the night wore on and I talked to him more he caught my attention by keeping me laughing and making me feel very at ease around him. When the night ended and it was time to leave we (me, him and my friend) went to Denny’s where we started The new year by dining and dashing. The service sucked, and we spent about 15 minutes standing at the register to pay while multiple employees walked by us, some going outside to smoke and not a single one said a word to us. After a few minutes of joking about it we left the the bills and a tip on the counter and walked out, laughing hysterically. I dropped my friend off and without asking him, or giving him a choice I decided he was coming over to watch a movie with me. We spent the rest of the night until approximately 5:30 that morning snuggling on the couch and watching a movie. It was an incrediable change of pace from the typical guys just wanting to get into my pants. I was a little disappointed though when he didn’t make any move at all, and thought maybe he wasn’t into me. 

      There have been a few small things here and there that I didn’t like, for lack of a better word, however he was very responsive to it. I teasingly gave him crap that he needed to clean and he did, when I told him that I felt like he was hiding under baggy clothes and a beard and that I wondered what he would look like more closely trimmed he did so the next morning. I was impressed with how receptive he was to my opinions, and that he was not offended by them.

      I feel very shallow, and it actually kind of makes me feel like I am a horrible person because: He is a chubby and not that into health and fitness. I have fallen off track since I was in a severe car accident but I am getting back in my groove as it’s very important to me and it is something that I want to continue for the rest of my life. I do not have an issue with people who are overweight at all and I understand that there are many different reasons that people get there and I myself have been there. My hesitation comes from: I have been there and I don’t ever want to be there again so I’m concerned that if I settle down with someone who is not big into health and fitness that I could end up going down a road that would lead me to be incredibly incredibly miserable with myself once again. 

      Fast forward five weeks: we have talked every day and seen each other most of them. I have gotten very attached to his Son, N. He watched my daughter and had a tea party with her and his niece, while her mom and I took N to the mall. W’ve had game night, a girls night with his sister, Several meals out and at his place and two sleepovers with our kids. He, his son, my daughter and I all snuggled up in his king size bed for the night with his dog and I have to admit it was heaven being snuggled up by two children and this man I’ve grown very attached to. I thought I was done with children and it wasn’t in the cards for me but he has me rethinking that. 

      His son N, is ten and so sweet. He’s s great kid and I can see he’s been crushed by his mom who doesnt makes choices in his best interest much like love bug’s bio dad which breaks my heart. He asked me to help him do laundry one day so he could get me alone to ask me a few questions and tell me how he is feeling: a conversation he will not share with his dad and has asked me not to. He has snuggled me and requests goodnight hugs when I’m there at his bedtime which melts my heart. 

      Back to J, He makes me laugh, makes me feel a comfort I have never had with someone especially this quickly. He is a graphic designer among other things and very talented at it. He is an amazing father and sooo incrediable with lovebug, not put off by her attitude or or tantrums. He has a huge heart and these amazing blue eyes. I feel the weight of the world slip off when I’m in his arms. He makes me feel beautiful, wanted and special. I feel like I could talk to him about anything and no matter what I said he wouldn’t judge me or make me feel stupid. He’s adventurous, affectionate, treats me so good and the sex….oh the sex. We have a fabulous chemistry and sex is fun like it’s supppsed to be, focused on enjoying each other instead of the finish. Last night I spent the night with him just wrapped up in his arms all night, immensely content before he left to work leaving me to sleep in. It’s the first time in as long as I can remember that I was alone with a guy and sex wasn’t part of the night. After getting a bit faded we ended up laughing uncontrollably, naked, while he stood in the shower and I sat on the floor armed with a pair of trimmers nerve rackingly (to him) trimming his package while he insisted I could not blog about it. 

      He is the only person who knows me and knows my blog. I let a few hints slip and after some searching he found it but claims he has not read any of my posts. I’m not sure how I feel knowing he could read anything I write, past, present or in the future. Being anonymous allows me to be brutally honest, to write whatever I want. His reading it, if he chooses to do so, would give a glimpse that others don’t get. 

     I know I tend to let emotions lead and jump in too soon so I’m trying to take it slow. Telling him that seems to confuse him as it’s hard to explain. Slow as in I’m keeping my emotions reined in until I’m 110% sure, as in let’s not talk about a future together just yet, or make long term plans or commitments but take it a day at a time and enjoy every minute of it because I have learned just like with life in general time is precious and you always wish you had slowed down and lived it instead of being so focused on the future. Where this will lead I don’t know but for now I’m loving being in like. 

Posted in Dating, parenting, relationships

From friends to lovers and back again 

   I met T when I was 15, thru his roommate & my best friend who were dating at the time. Over the following months we became inseparable. I was devastated when my parents announced just shy of a year later that we were moving across the us. 

       T and I wrote letters regularly (yes an actual hand written letter, shocking I know!) and called whenever we could. (Long distance calls were not free) After two months of asking my parents, they gave me the green light to move out. T showed up two weeks later with a giant stuffed tweety bird riding shotgun in his nova towing a tiny trailer which we loaded with all my belongings and off we went back across the us. 

    We shared an apartment with two of his friends until we could afford to get our own place. I worked full time, while finishing high school online. T taught me to drive & took me for my liscense, neither of us could cook so we lived on TV dinners, frozen meals and ramen noodles. 

      After almost three years together I was sitting on the bathroom counter and he asked me to marry him then took me to pick out a ring. We eloped in a church with him in a tux and a cathedral train on my formal gown. He was my best friend, my rock. The first one I wanted to share news with be it good or bad, the one I couldn’t wait to come home to and wake up next to everyday. We bought several houses together, investing blood sweat and tears, to sell it a year later for a big profit that we invested into the next home, each one bigger than the last. A move across the country and back, the loss of two pregnancies, acquiring two cats and two dogs along our 13 year journey. 

      We landed in a house that I worked very hard, not to flip, but to make our home. I spent hours contemplating and picking out the perfect colors of paint, and making it just right. I painted a beautiful ocean themed room with sparkling sand, and crisp blue water that was to be our child’s room. The subject of which drew a wedge between us, a distance we both felt but were helpless to stop until one night what bagan with me in puddle of tears begging him to help me understand turned into harsh words we couldn’t take back, as hearts were shattered along with our marriage. 

      We didn’t speak for two years other than to sort out lingering bills, message happy birthday, wish the other merry Christmas. We saw each other a few times, the hardest when I was 4 months or so pregnant and the silence hung painfully between us. After my daughter was born we slowly, rockily found our way to friendship. 

      When love bug’s dad and I split up we became roommates. T picked up the pieces her dad dropped, filling the promises he broke and became the daddy I always knew he would be. It was bittersweet watching this man I had loved so deeply and wanted so desperately to have a child with fill the role all this time and heartbreak later. 

       He is the best friend I could ever ask, and an even better father. He unfailingly is there for me and for lovebug so maybe things really do happen for a reason.  

       

Posted in Dating, friends, parenting, relationships

A pampered life

      I met R online as seems to be how I meet everyone lately. He owns a promotions company that supplies prizes and giveaways to radio stations, employee rewards for different companies and is part owner of a handful of business’. 

        We quickly reaslized the benefits of working together; I’m apparently great at marketing, closing deals and have great ideas while he treats me whatever I want; sushi, VIP passes to concerts, and fun trips like Vegas. 

      His marriage has been rocky for a while now, and the discovery of his wife having an affair recently was the final straw. Some of my friends think that I should go for it with him as there are worse things than being a spoiled and pampered wife; Driving a nice car that is paid for, going to the gym, eating at nice restaurants, cruises and amazing vacations, and not having to work. Having married for love before and having it failed the idea crossed my mind because it would be an amazing life for lovebug….. 

     ………….BUT……….

      There is no romantic or sexual chemistry or connection with him. Maybe because I’m a hopeless romantic, or maybe because I have hope I still believe in love. I’d also be setting an example for lovebug to marry for the wrong reasons, to settle, and to give up. Honestly I’m not ready to give up yet. 

Posted in Dating, relationships, Uncategorized

Women are crazy

I went out with some friends for G’s birthday, dancing and drinking. L a Michelle Rodriquez esqu female caught my attention. (I’m not gay but have been with a woman or two)

We hit it off right away: drinking, laughing and dancing the night away. She asked me out for dinner the next day which turned into a sleepover. I don’t see how lesbians can be lesbians! I ended up very frustrated as she lacked the equipment that I was used to and craving. We seemed to have a lot in common and a good chemistry so I thought maybe it was because it was different and I just needed to get used to it.

She very quickly became overwhelming. She wanted to know where I was, who I was with, and what I was doing All. The. Time. I mean every time I left my house she wanted to know. I told her I wasn’t interested in a relationship and was just looking for friends. She said okay.

We didn’t see each other for three weeks and spoke here and there randomly but always casually. One day she messaged me that she was in my neighborhood and was I home. Okay I live out in a corner of town at the base of a mountain, no one is ever just in my neighborhood. I responded I wasn’t home but at the ER with my daughter then became busy with the Dr.

We had to go thru the waiting area to go to X-ray and L was sitting in the waiting room. She said she figured I could use a coffee. She then proceeded to ask my daughter if she was hungry and did she want pancakes. Not willing to crush my excited child we went to IHOP where she proceeded to ask my daughter if she wanted to go sledding. I decided I’d talk to her later and not cause a scene in front of my child.

The next day L texted and asked if I could take pictures sat if we went sledding , when I inquired as to what she said family pictures of the three of us. Ummmmm WTF!!!! I set stalker girl straight and learned an important lessson; women are crazy!