Posted in Dating, life, Poetry, relationships

The volcano

    It’s dark and eriely quiet, the moon high in the sky shining brightly upon a volcano. 

     She stands tall and proud, outsiders see her as strong, captivating, intimidating even. 

      They don’t see beneath the surface. They don’t see the scars from where others have taken pieces of her, poked and prodded her. They don’t see the the hot fury beneath the surface, held in from fear. 

      Fear not because she is afraid to let go, afraid of what she may do, but because she knows exactly what she is capable of. Fear because once she lets go there is no holding back, no holding it in ever again. 

     Once she lets go she will be free but that freedom comes at a price. That freedom; openly speaking her mind, taking her place proudly, majestic and tall means she opens herself to hurt. Should she let someone get close enough to truely hurt her again may heaven have mercy on them for she fears their hurt more than her own. 

Posted in Family, relationships

When family fails you 

      Your parents are supposed to be the ones you can count on no matter what, but what if they fail you?

      My parents have always been there & had my back 100% even if they didn’t like my choices. The more I get to know J’s family the more I am perplexed by the dynamic and confused. 

        J has never been close to his mom S and sister R and now I see why. R is totally spoiled. Her mom bought her dog, gave her a car, paid for her car to get fixed recently, her parents paid all her bills while she went to school and yet she constantly complains she is a single mom and gets no help and life is so hard. 

        She can do no wrong in her moms eyes. She is on a pedestal and J  is expected to hold it up. They both think they are better than everyone and are very rude and sometimes downright mean; it’s why J’s dad said he left and why J keeps them at a distance. 

      I have treated them both with respect, like my family. I tried really hard to be there for R and be her friend despite her draining emotional instability and need to butt into my relation with J. I even overlooked her flat out being mean a few times. 

      S was really rude to me over the weekend when she came to town for my daughters birthday.  She asked how she could help then argued for 20 minutes about putting the candy out on a desert table as I had planned instead of in bags for them to take home, she then refused to help. 

     Saturday morning I was sore and felt like crap because I overdid it, having done almost everything myself Friday night because J was working on her present. She apparently was mad because I didn’t tell her not to do the dishes because she was a guest and I didn’t tell her thank you for breakfast; she said N cooked so I thanked him. I started to decorate the cupcakes and she yelled at me to stop being stubborn, if I’m sick I’m going to contaminate the food and get everyone else sick and I need to delegate. I told her I wasn’t sick I was just sore and she yelled about how she got crushed by a car and is allergic to pain meds so she is in more pain than I could ever know and I don’t know what pain is.

     J told her she was out of line and if she couldn’t be respectful she could leave. She told him she was going to apologize but instead lectured me for 20 minutes about how I’m selfish, don’t know how to parent, am ruining my daughter who is a brat and she won’t let me come between her and  J because they are such a close family

R was mad she stayed with us Friday, and that she came down for My daughter party and therefore told R she wasn’t coming two weekends in a row so she should have her child’s party the same weekend. R said it was our fault because she had to move her child’s birthday and no one came. She left her cigarettes outside and it rained so that was J’s fault for not bringing them to her. 

           Yesterday at work R tried to tell me how I needed to parent and what my children need. Today at work R was being a rude, demanding I give her the passwords to everything and have her approve everything before I posted it. Our boss said the tension was too much and left for a bit. R flipped out on me; said that I think I’m perfect and I caused her to loose her best friend and brother, that twice our boss had wanted to fire me and I gave her an excuse and she let me stay. That all I do is f*** around in social media and get paid when she told me to do this and this. I pointed out our boss told me to do what I have been working on and that she, R, is not my boss. She yelled some more about I’m a b**** and selfish and gathered all her stuff and left. 

         I called our boss who came back. R came back and started crying about its so hard, and poor her being a single mom and she is so depressed because she has no one. S called me at work to yell at me about what a great job I’ve done ruining R’s  job and relationship with J. 

      We had a meeting in which nothing was solved but our boss said to leave the personal stuff at the door. My hours were then changed to only 25 hours per week. 

       I’m feeling exhausted, hurt for J that they are his family, and very angryily biting my tongue out if respect for J. 

Posted in Family, parenting

Starting Kindergarten

     Most parents talk about their children starting school as being bittersweet. They talk about how they cried more than their child, and how hard it was. 

     I wanted to throw a party. I wanted to scream from the rooftops, to go home and revel in the silence and drink wine while binging on Netflix. 

         My baby is no longer a baby or a toddler or even a preschooler but a little girl. A free spirited, independent little girl full of sass, attitude and love like her mom. A little girl who though a bit nervous was confident that she would be okay, that she would make friends and I’d be there at the end of the day. 

       I survived 5 years, (well 4 years, 11 months and 24 days but who’s counting) as a single parent! My daughter smiled, held hands with her teacher and waved bye from the head of the line with out a single tear which means I did something right.

Posted in Family, parenting, relationships

Getting N back

     When you have a baby be it with the love of your life or as a single parent you never expect this to happen to you. To protect yourself and your child get a legal custody agreement immediately if you break up!    

      In a matter of days I quickly became an expert on the custody laws in AZ, what a fathers rights are, what happens when parents do not agree. I learned about establishing paternity, emergency orders, temporary orders and court advisors. 

       V asked for joint custody and that she be the primary or custodial parent meaning N would live with her during the school year. J filed a response and asked for sole custody.  He also filed for temporary orders with notice which means he wanted N to live with him until the custody case was over. 

      V then filed for temporary orders without notice which are also known as emergency orders. She filed on the grounds that J said he would make her life hell and claimed J was emotionally abusive to her during their relationship. Her order was denied. 

       She had told N we no longer wanted him, that we had gotten married without him because he was not important to us and so many other lies. She would not allow J or his family to see N, would not allow me to talk to N and every time J spoke to him it was on speaker phone during which she controlled what he said. N often cried on the phone, sounded frustrated and confused. 

       Due to her filing where she lived we had to take off work, to drive up there every time J had to file paperwork as well pay for it. J filed emergency orders and we learned that they are only ever granted if there is a current police or cps involvement for abuse, or drug abuse. The same day order was denied but a hearing was set for three days later. It was great news yet financially bad news as we had to hire a process server and pay for expidited service as she had to be notified of the hearing by the night before. 

We sat nervously outside the courtroom waiting the morning of the hearing. V showed up with family members in tow. They laughed and joked and seemed to not care we were about to go into court to find out who was getting N. it was like it was all a joke to her. I wasn’t to smack the laughter off her face. 

      The judge ordered her to turn N over by 5pm that afternoon, appointed a court advisor to come see both homes and interview those living there. V was given visitation one weekend day per month in Tucson. V and her family exploded out of the courtroom while we erupted into tears. As we were leaving the courtroom V caused a scene screaming and yelling at J until the sherif stepped in. 

       We went to her house at 5pm with police and picked up N who was a ball of tears in J’s arms then mine as we drove home. We have a hearing in September to determine temporary custody which will outline where N will live until the entire case is finished but for now our family is whole. 

     

      

Posted in Family, life, parenting, relationships, Uncategorized

Kidnapping 

      Summer….. a time for friends, where kids take over the neighborhood smelling of sunblock and chlorine, dropping in sweat wreaking havoc with nurf gun wars and water fights. 

      N was supposed to go to V’s for the summer however given her recent behavior and refusal to give us a plan for him for the summer we decided that’s instead he would go to J’s mom’s house for the summer with his cousin. After two weeks up there V asked if she could have him for the weekend for her moms birthday and he really wanted to go so J said okay. J then agreed N could stay for a while longer. Phone calls with N became few and far between, and he was rude on the phone. 

      Finally summer was drawing to a close, N had a dentist and therapy appointment and 3 weeks to settle in before the start of school. We loaded up with Lovebug and made the drive to the agreed going place to meet. When we got there however, N was not there, nor was V. Instead a process server served J with custody papers. We called the police but because there was no parenting plan or custody agreement in place they said there was nothing they could do. As we drove home our hearts were heavy with sadness, fear, anger and we were very concerned for how this was going to affect N. 

V may legally be his mother and according to the law have had the right to keep him but to pull a child from his entire life as he knows it, to take him from his home, his school, his family and friends and community where he is established, That is kidnapping. 

Posted in Dating, Family, parenting, relationships

J & N

      Sometimes you have to go backwards to go forward So a little back story on J & N. 

     J met V and after a few dates thought she would be a fun fling. He mistakenly believed her when she said she was on birth control and didn’t use a condom. 9 months later N was born. 

      According to J and his friends & family V was never much of a mother. Though she loves him she is too selfish and lacks the capacity to be a parent. J was the one who got up with him at night and cared for him as an infant, worked full time and took care of the house. V was depressed and would not admit to it or get help. 

         After putting her through school where she got her degree in medical billing and coding she was unable to keep a job due to her dyslexia and depression as well as not wanting to work. 

      J & V fought all the time as she did not help around the house or with N, she was careless with N even causing him 3rd degree burns and a permanent scar once when she spilled boiling water in him as a toddler. J broke up with once and then took her back after she refused to allow him any contact with N. 

     In May of 2016 they broke up and she moved 2 hours away leaving N.  She would call every day but because she was unable to pass her driver’s test has no license and therefore no transportation. She has continued to not work, living with her family and occasionally babysitting for her aunt to get money for toiletries. She has never contributed with money, clothes or supplies for N. 

         N loves her, because she is his mother. He loves her because he has a huge heart and loves everyone. He feels it is his job to make her happy, and he desperately wants her approval. 

        I have heard many phone calls between J & V and N & V. She is focused on herself, how hurt she was and still is by the breakup, and by what she wants not what is best for N. 

       Once we moved in together things with her got a lot worse. V would make N feel guilty for not wanting to talk on the phone, for being happy with us. More and more frequently the calls would end with N in tears asking why she doesn’t love him and why he is such a bad kid. N started loosing interest in things, living in a fog and not caring at home. He would not do chores, & homework. He was very hard on himself, crying and yelling on an almost daily basis. 

       V would call and yell at J as well, fixated on how he broke her heart. We sought out information, printed and filled the paperwork for custody. J hesitated wanting to give V the benefit of the doubt, wanting to see the good in her but sometimes people don’t deserve another chance and she has proven that beyond a doubt. 

Posted in Dating, Family, life, parenting, relationships

Blending families

      It’s hard to believe that eight months have gone by since my last blog posts. Life sure does get away from you sometimes. I’m going to break this post into a couple of smaller posts to make it easier on you.

         My daughter and I moved in with J and his son around the end of February. It was a huge adjustment going from just me and her to a family with J & his son. People tell you blending families is hard, but they never tell you exactly how hard it is.

       N said he was good with us moving in, he asked if he could call me mom and seemed very happy. He was very proud to have a little sister and they acted as typical siblings. 

     A was having a much harder time adjusting. She was great until J asked her to stop, to not do something, or told her no. Then it was world war three. She would scream, god would she scream. I thought for sure the neighbors were going to call the police and have cps banging on our door. She would hit, kick, bite and say awful things. She saw J & N as a threat, as people who were taking me away from her, taking away her time with me. It didn’t help that I started working full time at an accounting office which meant she could no longer spend the day with me at work. 

      The apartment we were staying in started to feel claustrophobic, and  I was not feeling at home. It’s hard to explain but it’s impossible to feel at home in a home that was built by someone else. In a home you had no input in, that is full of someone else’s belongings. Most of mine and Lovebugs stuff was still at T’s as there was just not room for it in the apartment. 

     J & A were having constant power struggles, J & I were clashing on parenting and add in the close quarters and we were all tense and starting to feel it. N also started to show it; he began being spacey, ignoreing rules, not doing his chores, not turning in his homework. He seemed to simply not care about anything anymore and everyday he disappeared inside himself a bit more. 

         Lovebugs bio dad was being typical and only seeing her once a month still. T was suddenly very busy all the time; he moved in his girlfriend and was redoing the entire house. Our only saving grace was my mom and J’s sister who took the kids on Saturday night so J & I could reconnect and catch our breaths.  

         We knew something had to change and quick if we were going to make it thru this adjustment. No one ever said parenting was this hard!