This time 3 years ago I was in early labour. I was excited and sad. My dream of becoming a mom was about to come true yet it was was not with the love of my life but a Man whose relationship with was a sinking ship. As I thought of the past I silently mourned. I mourned It would not be the love of my life holding me while I birthed Lovebug, that it would not be his daughter. I mourned the relationship I knew was crumbling around me.
Right now I’m laying with my sleeping daughter in my arms, her sweaty head full of curls on my shoulder, Her soft hot little body is pressing against my side and her bright pink and green toes on my thigh. And tears are silently falling down my cheeks. Hot, salty and bittersweet.
In the past three years I have fought and gone thru postpartum depression, left an abusive relationship, been without a place to call home, fed my daughter with food stamps, begged and borrowed to get by, lost more than one job, been a single mom, had “friends” desert me, realized my very best friend wasn’t, accepted help from strangers in my moms group, hid in the shower and cried, felt like a failure, hated myself, been jealous, angry and truely afraid.
BUT ……I have learned I’m stronger than I ever thought I could be. I found courage, love, a second chance, happiness and joy. I learned people are for the most part good and willing to help. I found my inner strength, my priorities, myself. I have laughed, loved, and forgiven. I found a best friend who is so dear to me. I realized an acquaintance; someone I barely knew was an Absolutly amazing friend who truly was there.
Looking at my daughter; I am a great mother, amazing even. She is smart, loving, affectionate, independent, hungry for knowledge, creative, sensitive, funny, perceptive, empathetic, outgoing and fierce. She is unscathed by the past three years. They may not have been how I wanted them but they are gone and I’m still here. Today things are not perfect; I am unemployed and having a hard time finding work, I’m stressed and struggling to make ends meet but at the end of the day It’s okay. I have a roof over my head with a beautiful view, I have food, we are safe, we are loved, we are healthy. It may not have happened the way I planned but I have T and Lovebug.
So tomorrow is not just a celebration that Lovebug will be 3. It is also my celebration of becoming a mother, and of the past three years.