Posted in life

When did I get……Old.

It seems like just yesterday I had nice tight, firm skin that was soft and smooth and wrinkle free.  I laughed at the skin firming lotions, skipped the articles on under eye cream and butt firming exercise.

Then I woke up one day and noticed….I am no longer 22. 32 used to seem so old yet I don’t feel old. Sure my knees pop and hurt like hell if I spend the night dancing or go up and down too many stairs, I get drunk on two or three beers and do not find it funny anymore to wake up with my fake lashes stuck to my cheek curled up on the bathroom floor.

I use a skin firming self tanning lotion, under eye cream and have even used hemorrhoid cream to hide the ‘ I was up all night with a teething baby circles’. I color my hair to hide the gray that seems to be creeping up more and more, I’m soft and even getting saggy in places, I have stretch marks from getting so big to accommodate my daughter, my boobs turned into sagging watermelons to feed her.

At times I am very critical, and even look at the woman I think is more attractive with envy but at the end of the day when I’m snuggling my daughter and falling asleep I can honestly say I wouldn’t change anything. My body is strong and amazing. It has created, carried and given birth to another human, it has carried my thru heart ache and tears and more than I ever thought possible. I take better care of it now but I smile when I look at myself because I’d rather have all this and know I have lived a full life than to have a perfect body because I’ve been too scared to put marks on it.

Posted in parenting, postpartum depression

Postpartum depression….Who me??

I have never been depressed, my pregnancy was planned, my birth….amazing. I was completely in love with my daughter, Had been with H just 13 months and he was my best friend when love bug was born. It was my dream come true. I didn’t feel sad, I didn’t feel depressed. I didn’t have thoughts of harming myself or my baby. I had been a doula for several years and helped women realize they were showing signs of postpartum depression so I was very educated and would surely know if I had it right? Wrong.

I finally realize what I never saw. I had postpartum depression. Bad. My dream come true cried for hours on end for no obvious reason for several weeks before being diagnosed with an intolerance to the protein in cow’s milk and soy which is passed thru breast milk. I had to cut out all dairy and soy. A few weeks later she was diagnosed with reflux and started meds. I had retained placenta membranes which caused an infection, clogged ducts twice and mastitis in the first two months. Add to that a partner who was not very supportive of breastfeeding, or my attachment style parenting due to his experience with his ex wife and kids. He was upset that I took a longer maternity leave from school then went back only part time for two months before withdrawing. He meant well but blamed me for her fussiness, her need to be close at all times. Add to all this the demands I put on myself and the expectations that having been a nanny for soo long I should be able to take care of myself, the baby and still cook, clean, do laundry, and run errands.

Now that I’m starting to feel better, to feel like me again I can see I was not… me. I was not happy, I was not thriving as a new mom but barely surviving. No one noticed but my husband who didn’t know what to say. Its a tricky road with a hormonally imbalanced new mom. You do not tell her that there is something wrong with her, that she needs help. Trust me, that makes it worse.

I adored my daughter and she melted my heart. I gave 100% and then some to her. I had true anxiety and even panic attacks if I was away from her too long. I didn’t trust anyone else to care for her properly, even her dad. I felt like I was under the microscope and failing horribly as a partner, a friend and a mom. I couldn’t fix her colic. I forgot to call and text friends. I forgot birthdays, anniversary’s and get togethers. I couldn’t get on top of the cleaning/cooking/laundry, there was always a list a mile long of things that needed to be done. I made plans because things sounded good but when it came down to it, it was just too much work to leave the house. I worried she would choke while I was driving and couldn’t see her, that she would stop breathing, that we’d be in a ca accident. It was easier, safer to stay home in my comfort zone where I could keep my eyes on her at all times. I had no desire to go anywhere or do anything but stare at my daughter.

My partner…I give him credit because he did hang in there with me. He got the worst of it. I was short and mean, full of anger and had zero patience. I answered everything with eye rolls, sarcasm, and like he should know just because I did. I redid the babies diaper, took over, and didn’t let him figure things out for himself. I questioned his every move. I felt like he blamed me for everything, that nothing was good enough, that every word out of his mouth was a put down. I actually heard myself mumble I hate you to him. I was miserable , I wanted out of the marriage, I wanted nothing to do with him. Nothing made me happy but my daughter.

My daughter is now seven months old, She is a very healthy, always smiling, happy baby. My partner and I are going to counseling and working on repairing our relationship . I feel more like myself with each passing day and am finally happy living my dream.

Posted in Cleaning, life, parenting


I used to clean my entire condo, do all my laundry, go shopping and clean my car. All in one day, every week so that the rest of the week I could focus on other things and enjoy my clean house.

Maybe I’m a bit OCD but I’m not one to put things off and I hate having a dirty house. I can not relax when I know there is laundry hiding in the closet, dust bunnies under the couch or something rotting in my fridge. Since my daughter hit the stranger danger/separation anxiety phase a month ago I cant get anything done or rather something always needs to be done.

My partner cant keep her happy for more than ten minutes and since she doesn’t see anyone else on a daily basis, as far as she is concerned, everyone else is a stranger. It takes me two sometimes even three days just to clean my condo. Another day to strip beds and do all the laundry. Yet another day to plan a menu, write a list and go shopping. By then it’s time to start all over again.

The icing on the cake…I have company coming. I love these people dearly, we haven’t seen them in six months so I’m excited. But they are staying at my house which just made my OCD go crazy! My partner  thinks I have finally truly lost it, though he does say that all the time.

Posted in friends, parenting

Wanted New best friend

31yr old married full time mom seeks like minded individuals or couples.  Must be adventurous, available for play dates and coffee, not afraid of bodily fluids or a messy house. If you have showered, done your hair and makeup every day this week you need not apply.

What is it about announcing “I’m pregnant” that makes your friends scatter like roaches when the light are turned on. Sure at first there are lots of congrats and I’m happy for you’s. But slowly as they realize you aren’t going to take them up on their invitations of dancing till the wee hours of the morning or drinking till the sun comes up they stop calling.Their idea of fun is not listening to the baby on that cool gizmo you bought on eBay, talking about babies poop or marveling at their latest milestone.

You quickly find that you are on a different level than everyone you know. Your friends either have older children and have moved out of the baby phase into T ball, dance classes or are not yet there and are still of the lets party mindset. Your husband, bless his heart, no matter how hard he tries just cant fill the gap left by girlfriends.

The first few month fly by consumed with caring for your new little person, trying to remember things like brushing your teeth, putting on deodorant and putting your boob away before opening your front door. Then as you settle into a routine you find yourself alone, talking to the baby, who doesn’t understand you, so really you are talking to yourself all day. And this gets rather lonely.

Where are all the other new moms? You saw tons of them when you were pregnant, everywhere you went were round baby bellies and little people. My solution….I have decided to run a personal ad. Its rather simple, what I’m looking for. If you have a child under a year old, are the primary care provider for said child, and if your child is attached to your hip or you often feel like a milk cow then we should talk. If you have a nanny, let your child cry it out, have a house keeper, have managed to shower, fix your hair and put on makeup  every day this week then I’m probably not your cup of tea.

Posted in Cleaning, life, parenting

What did you do all day?

Before I had my daughter I could clean my two bedroom condo top to bottom in every nook and cranny in about 30 minutes. Now when my husband asks “What did you do all day”  and I respond for the second time this week “clean” He seems mystified, completely perplexed. He doesn’t understand when I say I feel like all I ever do is clean. No one who doesn’t have little people in fact seems to understand. So let me explain What I did all day.

We started the day on Tuesday by snuggling in bed. I changed love bugs diaper, went to the restroom and we headed to the kitchen. While she tore apart my counter top I made and inhaled coffee and eggs while unloading/ reloading the dishwasher, and scrubbing my kitchen top to bottom. She was still in a great mood so I moved her to her exersaucer in the living room and started scrubbing in there. Halfway thru she started to get fussy so to buy some time I danced and sang silly songs while cleaning. I had my curtains open and was of course in a tank top and my underwear so I’m sure I was amusing to the two teenaged girls who were standing outside staring at me. Don’t look so shocked…this will be your life in 20 years. With that thought I finished cleaning the living room. Knowing a meltdown was coming soon I showered and got dressed while she screamed at me. I nursed her, played with her, threw together a sandwich to eat while she nursed again and fell asleep. Because she will only nap while latched on I spent the next hour or so playing on my phone and going over what I still needed to do while eating.I changed her, refilled my drink, went pee, and cleaned the cat boxes before she started screaming. I then felt guilty for not giving her attention so we read some stories and sang some songs, then of course she wanted to eat again. I took out the trash, refilled her wipes, stocked the diaper bag, took a phone call, and it was time to nap again. Then hubby was due home and it was onto the routine of dinner, family time etc…. I never did get to brush my teeth.
So wed, and Thursday we were out and about. Friday…. I change her diaper, go pee and start in my room. While she plays on my bed I clean the room, fill the cat food and water, clean out litter boxes and feed the fish. I let her play on the bathroom floor while I speed clean, scrubbing every surface then hop in the shower. Halfway thru shampooing my hair for the first time since Monday she starts to melt. I dry off, run gel thru my un brushed hair and shove it in a bun, throw on a tank and lounge pants and nurse her. An hour or so later after her nap I strip the bed, start laundry, call my hubby back who is calling for the fifth time just to see what we’re up to and remember I need to eat. Into her bumbo she goes to tear apart everything within reach while I heat up food for me, make oatmeal for her and unload/reload the dishwasher, wipe down the counter tops, and clean out the fridge. I feed me, I feed her. I clean me, I clean her and the highchair, and the floor and the mess she made earlier on the counter top.  I switch laundry, my mom calls,  I nurse love bug. I pull out something to de thaw for dinner. I put her in the Moby and sweep, vacuum and mop. She gets fussy, I take her out to nurse her just to discover she has pooped, everywhere. Its up her back, down her legs, all over the Moby, and now my shirt and arms. I clean her, I clean me. I get laundry from the dryer and start a new load. I nurse her and play on pinterest while she naps. I switch laundry, empty the diaper pail, get a drink and a snack, remember to brush my teeth and start dinner. Hubby comes home and says what did you do all day, I reply cleaned. He looks at the dust and cat hair already collecting on the glass table in our living room, looks at me with my messy hair and clothes and I can see the utter confusion on his face. I also see it again that night at 9 when I collapse into bed with my sleeping love bug completely exhausted.

Posted in parenting

Wait a minute…..Whose child is this anyway

I was a nanny for 12 years, a doula for four and I consider myself an expert when it comes to children but I do not claim to be better than anyone else or to know everything. Every child, every family and every situation is different therefore every way of doing things is different. Yes I have offered suggestions based on my experience or research or education but I am proud to say I have never criticized or put down anyone for their parenting choices and never will unless they are harming or endangering that child.

Recently I wet nursed a friends child while she was in surgery and by accident posted a picture of me tandem nursing both mine and her daughters. I was proud that I was able to help a friend, comfort her baby and share those moments with her daughter but the comment I received  got me thinking…. when did it become okay for someone to tell another person what is best for their child. When did it become acceptable to criticize a mother for doing what they in the moment thought was right or to the best of their ability. Before I had my daughter I was blind to this negativity. I was unaware that having a child gave everyone else permission to tell me how much to feed them, where to put them to sleep, how much to hold them, and on and on….   I’d like to be very clear. This is my child. If you want to be in charge, have your own child. And no I’m sorry I don’t care what you do for a living, what you went to school for or how many degrees you have. When and if I want you telling me what/when/how I will ask you.

My daughter hit the 90th percentile by her 5 day app with the pediatrician. Yes she is a big girl, yes I feed her on demand. No she does not need to go on a diet, unlike you she doesn’t stuff big Macs and French fries in her mouth when she is not hungry. She eats when she is hungry and stops when she is full and is exactly the size that she is meant to be. No this does not mean she will grow up to be fat.

Yes I breastfeed. Yes I breastfeed on demand, whenever she is hungry, regardless of where we are or what we are doing. No I do not use a cover, a blanket or go in the bathroom. No I don’t care if you see my breast, they are meant to feed my child and I dare you to say something negative. Yes she has teeth and can eat. No I don’t know how long I will nurse her for. That is between me and her.

Yes I selectively vaccinate. I do not chose what vaccines to give based on what I saw on TV or what everyone else is doing. I research, I read the facts, I discuss it with my pediatrician and I make decisions I can live with because it is my responsibility.

Yes my daughter sleeps in my bed with me and hubby, all night long and has since day one. No I am not scared I will roll over on her and kill her in my sleep. No she will not sleep in my bed forever. Most mammals’ sleep with others. Even the majority of adult humans sleep with another person. It is not natural to sleep alone so why should I expect my baby to sleep in a room completely alone when I don’t. Again I have read and researched the facts. And though it is none of your business no she does not interfere with mine and my husband intimate relationship.

No I do not and will not ever let her “cry it out”. I wear her, I hold her and have almost constant physical contact with her. When I don’t my hubby or my mom does. Yes I get things done, I clean, do laundry, cook, shop etc…

Yes my daughter will grow up to be a strong, independent, secure and happy woman most likely hard headed and very opinionated like her momma and I am just fine with that.